Thursday, July 4, 2019

Democrats Debate In Detroit: Round Two!

Second Round, Democratic Debates
CNN Hosting/Moderating
July 30 & 31, 2019
Detroit, Michigan

Anderson Cooper: “Good evening and welcome to the second Democratic Presidential Debate. I’m Anderson Cooper, and I’m joined tonight by Chris Cuomo, Brian Stelter, Don Lemon and Poppy Harlow. We thought that, since there are so many outstanding Democratic candidates on the stage tonight, we’d have more than the usual number of outstanding moderators asking them questions, as well. Lot’s to get to, so—"

Chris Cuomo: “LET’S GET AFTER IT!!”

Cooper: (Glares at Cuomo) “Chris, let me start off as agreed, okay?”

Cuomo: (Chastened) “Okay.”

Cooper: “Mr. Biden, let’s start with you. By all accounts, you did not perform well in the first debate. To what do you attribute that, and how are you planning to change that tonight?”

Biden: “Well, uh, Andy, I had some gas last time and it put me off my game a little. And the first thing I’d do as president is make sure we defeat Trump. Thank you.”

Cooper: “We didn’t ask you that this time, sir.”

Cuomo: “Senator Sanders, what do you say to those who feel your proposals would be too costly?”

Sanders: “The rich will be the ones paying and there’s not enough of them to seriously affect the outcome of the election, so who cares?”

Cuomo: “Well stated, sir.”

Brian Stelter: “Mayor de Blasio, how do you answer critics who say that you haven’t governed New York City particularly well, so why should you be given a chance to run the whole country?”

Mayor de Blasio: “The last capitalist we hang shall be the one who sold us the rope!”

Stelter: “Nice thought, Mayor, but first off, that didn’t address the question. Secondly, that is a famous saying of Karl Marx’s.”

De Blasio: “What? I had no idea…”

Don Lemon: “Mayor Buttigieg, over to you now. The Executive Board of the Fraternal Order of Police No. 36—in your own city—has said you’ve politicized the recent police shooting to aid you in your campaign. The Board said your recent statement that “all police work and all of American life takes place in the shadow of racism” is divisive. How are you able to handle such overtly crackpot statements without going ‘ballistic’?”

Mayor Buttigieg: “Sometimes you just have to take the high road and ignore the crazed rants of ultra right-wing Christian extremists, Don. We have an opioid crisis in our country now. And, remember, religion is the opiate of the masses.”

Poppy Harlow: “The last part of your statement, mayor, is a commonly heard paraphrase of something Karl Marx famously said.”

Buttigieg: “It is?”

Harlow: (Sighs) “Yes. Mr. O’Rourke—”

Buttigieg: “I’m gayer than anybody else on this stage and I—"

Senator Gillibrand: “I wanted to be next!”

Harlow: “Well, you’re not, so wait your turn.”

Gillibrand: “Misogynist!”

Cooper: “Oh, for……Mr. O’Rourke, given recent events, would you characterize what’s happening at our southern border as a ‘crisis.’”

Beto O’Rourke: (Starts speaking in Somali) “Waa inaan aqbalnaa xaqiiqda taas—”

Harlow: “What the hell are you speaking?”

O’Rourke: “Somali. There are a lot of Somalis in Michigan and—”

Cooper: “Inclusive. Anyway, Senator Booker, when Mr. O’Rourke started speaking Spanish during the debate on June 27th, you gave him a sideways glance that went viral. Were you surprised by his Spanish speaking ability or the fact that he spoke it? After all, you then answered a question in Spanish your own bad self.”

Senator Booker: “Well, I was surprised because I thought I’d surprise everyone by answering in Spanish, but he beat me to it. That’s why I also translated my Spanish afterwards. I don’t think Beto could have done that, because I don’t think he really knows what he said.”

Stelter: “Senator Warren—”

Senator Warren: “If you all don’t vote for me, you’re sexist…and hate native Americans!”

Stelter: “Understood, but—”

Senator Amy Klobuchar: “Excuse me, but, if you don’t vote for me you must just hate Minnesotans! Especially female Minnesotans!! Misogynist anti-Midwesterners!"

Lemon: “Representative Swalwell, The View’s Meghan McCain accused you of using ‘ageist crap’ to attack Mr. Biden. How do you plead, sir?”

Representative Swalwell: “Well that’s obviously complete bullshit! I don’t have an ageist bone in my body! I swear! Nor am I racist, homophobic, transphobic, atheistophobic, pedophilophobic, or Satanophobic! I swear!”

Lemon: “Believable!”

Cooper: “Mr. Castro, some radical-right, ultra-conservative whack-jobs think that your last name means you might share some of the political views of the late great Cuban leader. What say you to them?”

Julian Castro: “Communism is the riddle of history solved, and it knows itself to be this solution.”

Cooper: “I see you’ve all studied up on Karl Marx.”

Castro: “We should no longer run from the ‘C’ word, meaning communism. The Democratic Party must instead embrace it!”  

Gillibrand: “Nobody asked me, but I would mandate publicly-funded abortions for all living beings,” including horses, cats, dogs, turtles and bugs.”

Harlow: Noted. “Mr. Yang, what are your thoughts on global warming?”

Mr. Yang: “If we don’t act decisively and dramatically, we are toast. Within 12 years, if not before.”

Lemon: “Representative Gabbard, I must say, that is one subversive and sexy streak of gray in your hair.”

Representative Gabbard: “Aww, thank you Donald. I like it. It has served me well lately.”

Cuomo: “Governor Inslee, how would you make dumb-ass Americans in fly-over country internalize the existential threat that is global warming?”

Governor Inslee: “Eff ‘em, they’re too stupid to understand. We have to progress without them.”

Cuomo: “Right on, brother!”

Stelter: “Senator Harris, you were widely praised for your performance in the first debate. And people donated millions of dollars to your campaign in just the 24 hours following the debate. Will this hurt your credibility as a member of a marginalized group?”

Senator Harris: “No. I am a woman. And a person of color. I am, in fact, a woman of color. As such, I’m the victim of deep-rooted, systemic racism and misogyny. If I don’t win, it’s only because I’m a woman. And colored.”

Booker: “I’m more colored than you are, Kamala!”

Mayor Buttigigieg: “But you’re not as gay as I am!”

Booker: “I could be. Maybe I just haven’t come out of the closet, yet!”

Buttigieg: “Coward!”

Mr. Yang: “If I don’t win, it’s because people are jealous of Asians!”

Gillibrand: “Jeg er kvinne, hører meg brøl!”

Harlow: “Now what? Senator Gillibrand, what language are you speaking? And why?”

Gillibrand: “Norwegian. I said, ‘I am woman, hear me roar!’ Trying to be inclusive. Speaking of which, I believe there should be no wall and no border. Everyone in the world should be welcomed here with open arms and open wallets! That’s inclusive. And Christian—er, I mean compassionate. I propose cradle to grave care and unlimited free things for every undocumented non-citizen and their families. And friends. And pets.”

Harlow: “Nice. Senator Sanders, closing thoughts?”

Sanders: “Kill all the rich people. Break up their cars and apartments. Bring the revolution home. Kill your parents. That’s where it’s really at.”

Harlow: “That’s a Bill Ayers slogan.”

Sanders: “It is? Obama’s mentor?”

Harlow: “Yes.”

Sanders: “I thought I just made it up. It kinda just popped into my head.”

Swalwell: (smirks) “He’s old and senile!”

Sanders: “See! He is ageist!”

(Biden appears to be napping/comatose)

Cooper: “Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight. Stay tuned for a very special edition of ‘The Lead’ with Jake Tapper.”


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