Friday, February 2, 2018

O No Canada!

                Canada, that bastion of Trudeau-ian progressivism, is updating its national anthem. The powerful tune, originally composed in 1880, is getting a subtle but much-needed tweak, making it a bit less masculine. The problematic phrase “in all thy sons command,” in the second line of the song, will be replaced by “in all of us command.” This is awkward and grammatically incorrect, but better than leaving the offensive, non-inclusive word “sons” there to despoil the language and mock those who identify as female. Canadian senators recently passed legislation that will make this change law, upon royal assent by the governor general. (One would have thought that, if they were to make a change, they would’ve simply gone with “in all of our command.” But, hey, who am I to judge, eh?). 
                This brings to fruition a decades-long push to make the canticle gender-neutral and representative of all Canadians, according to proponents of the change. Senator Frances Lankin observed: “This may be small--it’s about two words—but it’s huge in terms of one of our major national symbols. It’s inclusivity and I’m proud.”
                Oddly enough, this news got me thinking. I thought: “As long as they’re going to the trouble of making this change, are there any others that should be made, as well?” A careful reading revealed several other phrases begging to be modernized. The song was written 138 years ago, so the author could not possibly have been as enlightened and sensitive as we are now.  
                Most glaringly, “God” should be replaced by Gaia (the Earth mother). Even the stuffy old patriarchs in the hyper-religious United States believe in the separation of church and state and are dropping “under God” from their Pledge of Allegiance. (Progressive Democrats even booed God during the 2012 Democratic National Convention. Yay!). Anyway, I took the liberty of “rewriting” O Canada, but I only made a couple of other small and judicious changes because I’ve always found the song so stirring. I didn’t want to “fundamentally change” it or its impact. Here is my new and sanitized version:

O Canada!
Our home and native land! Though we admit the Inuit and Ojibwe, et. al., were here first!
Real loyalist love in all of us command.
With glowing hearts we see zie rise,
The just North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for zie.

Gaia keep our land
Glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for zie.
O Canada, we stand on guard for zie.

Did you even notice the alterations? I also made the obvious improvement of acknowledging that the Inuit and other indigenous tribes/nations thought of Canada as their home and native land first. Then, I replaced “true patriot” love with “real loyalist” love because what is “truth,” really? Better to just get “real” homies, right? I mean, my “truth” is your lie, it’s all relative. And “patriot” seems comically out-of-date for learned, caring, and discerning one-world globalists, does it not? I likewise replaced “true” with “just” in line five. “Truth” is unknowable, but justice is the key. Finally, I replaced the word “thee” with “zie,” in order to be explicitly welcoming and approving of the non-binary-gender community. The progressive pronoun “Zie” means he or she, or both, and is open to any gender interpretation or identity whatsoever.  

Now that, Senator Lankin, is inclusive. Go Canada!

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