The selectively mawkish media are making much of the
“Unified Team” at the 2018 Winter Olympic Games in Pyeongchang. Those in the
know, however, are concerned for the safety of the relative handful of North
Korean athletes participating, especially as they have yet to win a medal. Kim
Jong-Un does not want his Hermit Kingdom- and its citizens- to be seen as
anything other than all-powerful winners and achievers. Failure on the world
stage has traditionally meant that “winter is coming” for unsuccessful athletes
from the North.
Members
of the 1966 North Korean soccer team were reportedly shipped off to Yodok
Prison, aka “Camp 15,” just days after they lost to Portugal 5-3. They were
also reportedly spotted drinking with local ladies- in public yet- so they
probably deserved their fate. North Korean defector Kang Chol-Hwan claims he
met some members of the team while he
was being held as a political prisoner in the infamous gulag.
More
recently, the North Korean national soccer team was supposedly “punished” after
getting trounced 7-0 by Portugal in a 2010 World Cup game. FIFA (The
Fédération Internationale de Football Association) investigated reports that
some of the players disappeared and/or were tortured in one of the many prison
camps that festoon the nation after that result. Due to the reclusiveness of
the regime, and the incompetence of FIFA, nothing was confirmed…but nothing was
ruled out, either.
In
keeping with the new Era of Good Feeling- and modern mores- these 2018 North
Korean Olympians will not be tortured or shot, even if collectively they don’t
win a single medal, a highly-placed source informed me. Instead, upon their
return to The Beloved Homeland, they will be given a chance to “train even
harder” at “selected remote venues” around the Communist Paradise.
The
source told me that “unique training methods” will be undertaken, and that the
athletes will be given the opportunity to compete in “unique sports, slightly
modified versions of current winter endeavors.” Some of the new sports rumored
to be included are sled-jumping (in place of ski-jumping), lice hockey (in lieu
of ice hockey), waterboarding (instead of snowboarding), disfigured skating,
the die-athlon, freestyle dying, and advanced skeleton.
Look
for NBC, CNN and MSNBC to laud the continuing efforts of the Dear Leader- and
his sister, the Dear Minister of State Propaganda- to provide the means and
motivation necessary for their country’s athletes to someday successfully
compete in international sporting events.
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