Thursday, February 1, 2018

Anonymous Sources

                I’ve had it with the media’s use of unattributed, or anonymous, sources. Rarely cited in the past, these nebulous entities have now become ubiquitous. The words of these faceless deep-throats have been weaponized by the legacy media, handed their marching orders, and sent out to destroy a duly-elected president. The latest example of this comes from that bastion of truth, that embodiment of journalistic integrity (giggle), The New York Times. A recent article penned by Michael S. Schmidt and Maggie Haberman opened thusly: “President Donald Trump ordered the firing last June of Robert Mueller, the special counsel overseeing the Russia investigation, according to four people told of the matter, but ultimately backed down after the White House counsel threatened to resign rather than carry out the directive.”
                This may even be true, but, seriously, “According to four people told of the matter?!” So, these unnamed people don’t even claim to have first-hand knowledge of this information? Instead, these anonymous sources got the information from other anonymous sources? No need for any more authentication or corroboration than that! Since when did The New York Times become Rolling Stone Magazine? Oh yeah, since Donald Trump was elected.
                I myself have lots of nameless/anonymous sources. And here’s some breaking news for you: According to my sources, the Earth is flat. All this “round-Earth” and “big, blue beautiful orb” crap has been a lengthy and elaborate ruse.  Pythagoras was wrong!
Those sources, who- again- did not wish to be identified, also told me that the Pillsbury Dough Boy is Jewish. (That should get a rise out of him!). Moreover, four people recently told me that the Energizer bunny is perpetually high on meth, and another guy told me that 9/11 was “an inside job.”
And I’m saving the juiciest for last: In an exclusive blockbuster revelation, I can now reveal that highly placed sources have informed me that “reality” is simply a construct of the white male patriarchy, designed to permanently subjugate minorities and the otherwise marginalized.
I’m sure The New York Times will believe that last one.

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