Foreword to the special college edition:
As most of you young scholars know, I’ve recently become a successful author! I’ve already written a best-selling book, “What Happened.” And, since I have a lot of time on my hands now, due to the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy against me, and those damn Macedonian content farms, I thought I’d try my hand at writing a short story. It’s a mystery! And, guess what? If you’re reading this, your college/university has added it to its “Perspectives on America” course reading list! Isn’t that exciting?! Well, here it is, I hope you all like it!
(For your safety, the editors tell me they are adding “Trigger Warning!” alerts immediately before every word or phrase that could be offensive or scary to you, in this special college edition of my story. So, if you see “Trigger Warning!,” and you get frightened, just skip over the next word or two).
A story called “Bob,” as written by Hillary Clinton (and edited by top Ivy League sociology professors!):
Bob lives in a Trigger Warning! white house in the Twin Cities’ Trigger Warning! suburb of Lakeville. He works at a Trigger Warning! for-profit Trigger Warning! business located in the Mall of Trigger Warning! America. He is a Trigger Warning (X4)! straight, white, cis-gendered male who likes Trigger Warning! country music and watches Trigger Warning! Fox News when he has the time. Bob enjoys Trigger Warning! shooting sports and owns several Trigger Warning! shotguns. He participates in Trigger Warning! competitions several times a year and is proud that his Trigger Warning! hard work and effort has paid off. He is so Trigger Warning! skilled, in fact, that he has won awards on a national level. Bob holds a Trigger Warning! traditional interpretation of Trigger Warning! The Bible and believes that Trigger Warning! God gave Trigger Warning! His only Trigger Warning! Son that we may have eternal life. Bob is a devout Trigger Warning! Christian who believes people ultimately will be Trigger Warning! judged for their actions. He sometimes watches Trigger Warning! hunting and fishing shows on the weekends and also takes in the occasional Trigger Warning! NASCAR race and football game. At times, he likes to think of himself as Trigger Warning! “manly,” but he’s really just a product of the old, white patriarchy. His Trigger Warning! family and his Trigger Warning! faith are the most important things in his life. His brother lives in Texas and works for an Trigger Warning! oil company. Bob donates some to charities of his choice, one of the reasons he believes in Trigger Warning! low taxes. He is an independent thinker who doesn’t like to be coerced or told what to think and do, and is a registered Trigger Warning! Republican who voted for Trigger Warning!!!!! Donald Trump.
Can you guess who Bob is, kids?
That’s right, bright ones, Bob is a deplorable! An ignorant, patriotic, rube. He’s an intolerant bigot from the ugly underbelly of America known as “fly-over country.” We Democrats can do without his kind. The country would be better off cleansed of his ilk.
Thanks for reading, kids! And, remember, it’s not too early to make a donation to the “I’m Still with Her In 2020” campaign. Make your checks out to “Hillary Rodham Clinton Presidential Campaign 2020,” and send them to P.O. Box 666269, Washington, D.C., 20004.
(I’d like to thank the DNC for paying for this project, and the NEA for making the DNC possible! JK!).