National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA)
National Weather Service (NWS)
November 28, 2017
Silver Spring, Maryland
After a lengthy period of review, the NOAA and the NWS have decided that, going forward, in the interest of inclusiveness, all future storms, from this moment forward, shall officially be given gender-neutral names. This includes both major winter storms, wherever their location and whatever their course trajectory, and hurricanes such as those that have devastated parts of the Caribbean and Gulf of Mexico in recent weeks. In conjunction with this mandate, the storms must also henceforth be referred to with gender-neutral pronouns, as well. This is particularly appropriate as, unlike human beings, these storms actually do exhibit a total absence of chromosomes or genitalia.
Therefore, in the future, storms will never be named “Lance” or “Heather,” for example. And, instead of stating something like, “Hurricane Harvey is likely to breach the Florida coast on Thursday evening. The storm now possesses winds upwards of 130-miles-per-hour,” weatherpersons and lay people alike should say: “Hurricane Pat is likely to breach the Florida coast on Thursday evening. They now possesses winds upwards of 130-miles-per-hour.”
In related news, the mayors of New Orleans, Miami, Raleigh (North Carolina), Seattle, Minneapolis, and Madison (Wisconsin), have all announced that they are “sanctuary cities” for these storms. As such, they will refuse to abide by any and all federal laws and guidelines pertaining to meteorological calamities and will not be taking part in any preparations for these storms, nor will they attempt to prevent or mitigate any damage they may cause.
The NOAA/NWS thanks everyone in advance for their strict adherence to this tolerance-based, gender-free directive.