Thursday, November 9, 2017

CIA Releases Documents On Osama Bin Laden, Hitler

                Strange days are these.

                And getting stranger, apparently. Just in the past couple of weeks, for example, we learned- from a torrent of documents released by the CIA- that Osama bin Laden likely spent much of his last few years on earth watching you-tube videos of amateur girl fights, funny cats, women blowing bubbles, and tutorials on crocheting the perfect puff stitch.
                The terrorist mastermind also appeared to have been quite fond of watching such classic American movies as “Home on the Range,” and “The Three Musketeers,” as well as the popular kid’s movies “Antz,” “Cars,” “Chicken Little,” and “The Pink Panther.” In addition, he ostensibly played pirated Nintendo DS games and the Japanese online game “Naruto,” in which a ninja dreams of becoming the leader of his village.
                By contrast, bin Laden’s video collection also included graphic footage of the 2004 beheading of American Jack Hensley, three documentaries about himself, and another on the September 11th attacks on the United States.
                In keeping with an earlier statement, the CIA did not release details of the mega-terrorists allegedly voluminous porn stash, a subject of considerable speculation since its existence was first reported by Reuters in May of 2011. The documents did note, however, that bin Laden had copies of the pornographic arcade games “Fantasy ‘95” and “Perestroika Girls.”
                As if all of this wasn’t bizarre enough, the CIA also declassified and released a document revealing that The Agency investigated the possibility that Adolf Hitler was alive and residing in South America as late as 1955, ten years after World War II ended. The document, which can be found on the CIA’s website, cites a former SS soldier who told spies he regularly met with Hitler in Columbia, and suggests that the former Fuhrer may have worked as a shipping company employee prior to potentially fleeing to Argentina. The document includes a picture of the informant with a person he claims is Hitler, supposedly taken in the mid-1950s.
                Despite the preponderance of evidence that Hitler- and his mistress, Eva Braun- took their own lives in 1945 with the Russians closing in, a German court took until 1956 to declare Hitler dead. The discovery that Holocaust planner Adolf Eichmann and Josef Mengele, the “doctor” who performed unspeakable experiments on Auschwitz inmates, had escaped to Argentina and Brazil, respectively, gave a boost to existing rumors about Hitler, according to a report in
The file was put together by the CIA’s Caracas bureau chief and wired to Washington in 1955.
It’s hard enough for anyone to get their mind to wrap around the image of Osama bin Laden possibly chuckling at humorous cat videos, or playing Nintendo games, tongue lolling out as he furiously works his joystick. (Of course, the latter could well have been the case when he was interacting with some of his porn stash, as well).  But it’s inconceivable to contemplate Adolph Hitler working as a shipping clerk in Columbia. Did he get rid of his Charlie Chaplan-esque mustache and dye his hair? How would he have signed his name on invoices and shipping documents? Did he accidentally put “A.H.” on the lines where initials were requested?

 I picture his supervisor confronting him: “Mr. Schicklgruber, why did you put the initials ‘A.H.’ on these invoices?”
“Vell, Ich recently portrayed a character named…uh…Alan Hooper… in a play. It must have been a flashback. Ich vas sehr absorbed in das part. And also, the pick-up vas ‘after-hours,’ und Ich vanted to denote that, as vell. So, it vas a ‘two-fer,’ nein? Ja, ha, ha, ha! Das ist richtig!”  
What will we learn next? Inquiring minds may want to know.
Sane ones may not.

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