Strange days are these.
And
getting stranger, apparently. Just in the past couple of weeks, for example, we
learned- from a torrent of documents released by the CIA- that Osama bin Laden likely
spent much of his last few years on earth watching you-tube videos of amateur
girl fights, funny cats, women blowing bubbles, and tutorials on crocheting the
perfect puff stitch.
The
terrorist mastermind also appeared to have been quite fond of watching such
classic American movies as “Home on the Range,” and “The Three Musketeers,” as
well as the popular kid’s movies “Antz,” “Cars,” “Chicken Little,” and “The
Pink Panther.” In addition, he ostensibly played pirated Nintendo DS games and
the Japanese online game “Naruto,” in which a ninja dreams of becoming the
leader of his village.
By
contrast, bin Laden’s video collection also included graphic footage of the
2004 beheading of American Jack Hensley, three documentaries about himself, and
another on the September 11th attacks on the United States.
In
keeping with an earlier statement, the CIA did not release details of the
mega-terrorists allegedly voluminous porn stash, a subject of considerable
speculation since its existence was first reported by Reuters in May of 2011.
The documents did note, however, that bin Laden had copies of the pornographic
arcade games “Fantasy ‘95” and “Perestroika Girls.”
As if all
of this wasn’t bizarre enough, the CIA also declassified and released a
document revealing that The Agency investigated the possibility that Adolf
Hitler was alive and residing in South America as late as 1955, ten years after
World War II ended. The document, which can be found on the CIA’s website,
cites a former SS soldier who told spies he regularly met with Hitler in
Columbia, and suggests that the former Fuhrer may have worked as a shipping
company employee prior to potentially fleeing to Argentina. The document
includes a picture of the informant with a person he claims is Hitler,
supposedly taken in the mid-1950s.
Despite
the preponderance of evidence that Hitler- and his mistress, Eva Braun- took
their own lives in 1945 with the Russians closing in, a German court took until
1956 to declare Hitler dead. The discovery that Holocaust planner Adolf
Eichmann and Josef Mengele, the “doctor” who performed unspeakable experiments
on Auschwitz inmates, had escaped to Argentina and Brazil, respectively, gave a
boost to existing rumors about Hitler, according to a report in news.com.au.
The file was put together by the
CIA’s Caracas bureau chief and wired to Washington in 1955.
It’s hard enough for anyone to get
their mind to wrap around the image of Osama bin Laden possibly chuckling at
humorous cat videos, or playing Nintendo games, tongue lolling out as he
furiously works his joystick. (Of course, the latter could well have been the
case when he was interacting with some of his porn stash, as well). But it’s inconceivable to contemplate Adolph
Hitler working as a shipping clerk in Columbia. Did he get rid of his Charlie
Chaplan-esque mustache and dye his hair? How would he have signed his name on
invoices and shipping documents? Did he accidentally put “A.H.” on the lines
where initials were requested?
I picture his supervisor confronting him: “Mr.
Schicklgruber, why did you put the initials ‘A.H.’ on these invoices?”
“Vell, Ich recently portrayed a
character named…uh…Alan Hooper… in a play. It must have been a flashback. Ich
vas sehr absorbed in das part. And also, the pick-up vas ‘after-hours,’ und Ich
vanted to denote that, as vell. So, it vas a ‘two-fer,’ nein? Ja, ha, ha, ha!
Das ist richtig!”
What will we learn next? Inquiring
minds may want to know.
Sane ones may not.
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