Thursday, November 23, 2017

Pharmaceutical Commercials

                I was watching television the other night, something I rarely do, when a series of commercials aired. I’m betting you’ve seen them, or similar ads.

                Commercial #1: “Do you suffer from the horrors of male pattern baldness? Well, suffer no more, men. With Zezex, you can have a full head of hair again in as little as six months. And you’ll be a hit with the ladies once more, too! Consult your doctor before taking Zezex. When you take Zenex, side-effects can include drowsiness, dizziness, sudden yet prolonged bouts of vomiting, depression, flatulence, and generally excessive hair growth. In rare cases, it can be fatal. So, tired of pulling out what little hair you have left? Then say goodbye to Baldy and say hello to a full head of hair…and the blonde at the end of the bar!”

                Commercial #2: “Do you have embarrassing toenail fungus? (Quick shot of ‘Dave,’ head in his hands, wearing boots while tanning at the beach, wife next to him, softly crying). Don’t just sit their counting your woes, take Fungaway! Fungaway is a little pill, easy to swallow, with no aftertaste! Simply take 2 pills a day, and you’ll notice a lessening of fungus in as little as eight weeks, like Dave did! (Quick cut to Dave, flashing two thumbs-up). Talk to your doctor about taking Fungaway, as side-effects can include nausea, insomnia, panic attacks, palsy, flu-like symptoms, Restless-Leg-Syndrome, and some forms of cancer. Talk to your doctor again if you notice signs of bleeding or persistent ringing in your ears. (Shot of Dave lying on a beach towel, bare feet proudly exposed. Wife beaming, says to him: ‘Oh, Dave, your toenails are noticeably less yellow than they used to be!’). Fungaway. That’s the way to a more confident you!”

                Commerical #3: “Afflicted with Bi-Lateral Leg Weakness, friends? Try Stemstiffener© from Pharmaco. Why live with tired legs after dancing, bowling or even just walking around the mall? Take just two ounces of tasty Stemstiffener twice a day, now available in two flavors, and your legs will feel like new. Consult your doctor before taking Stemstiffener. Side-affects can include bloating, genital warts, liver failure, thoughts of suicide, excessive drooling, and irreversible brain damage. In rare cases, death can occur. Less than 2% of those taking Stemstiffener have turned into newts.”
                And then commercial number four came on. Cialis. “When the moment turns right, be prepared to handle it with Cialis. When the “moment” turns right? There is a couple on top of a hill overlooking the ocean, each lying in a separate bathtub! What “moment?” They had to take a flight to the coast, lug two individual ceramic bathtubs to the top of a mountain, and somehow fill them with fresh water! And then they’re supposed to give in to the lusty moment? They’d damn near be dead! And why the hell would they be in two separate bathtubs anyway, reaching out and holding hands?
When the moment is right? I’ll tell you when that moment will come around. Never, that’s when!

On second thought, it’s kind of realistic in that sense.


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