The Color of Money
In light of current events and modern sensibilities, I feel that it is clearly not enough that Harriet Tubman replace Andrew Jackson on the front of the (American) $20 bill. Harriet was a great lady, but she was also a God-fearing woman of character, integrity and work ethic, which, if widely known, would be somewhat off-putting to the very people who wanted to put her there. So, in keeping with the rapid changes in values, mores and character currently transforming the West- the United States most decidedly included- I suggest a more “progressive” approach to currency manipulation.
To wit: Though George Washington famously “couldn’t tell a lie,” he never wrote “The Truth,” as did Prince for the title track of his classic 1997 album. Besides, old George had false teeth and reeked of white privilege, whereas Prince also produced “The Black Album.” Let’s get Washington off the $1 bill and Prince on it, dearly beloved! And then we can party like it’s 1999! How progressive is that?! This bill will be purple and black, of course.
U.S. Grant was a Civil War hero and later president of the United States of America. He worked diligently to reconcile the North and South while also attempting to protect the civil rights of newly freed black slaves. While personally honest, some in his administration were not. Plus, he’s another old white dude, and- let’s be real- his first name is “U.S.?” We are, like, so done with the patriotic, xenophobic, nationalistic crap! Let’s replace his likeness on the $50 bill with that of the hip millennial Lena Dunham and get more “bang” for our buck.
Abraham Lincoln may have fought against slavery- and he led the fight to keep the Union together- but did he seriously take on convention? Did he have to face the agony of gender shaming? He might have helped the Army of the Potomac win at Gettysburg, but was he at the forefront of the battle for transgender-rights? Sure, Mr. Lincoln closed his famous letter to the widow Bixby with, “Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,” but Prince repeatedly sang his even more famous line, “I sincerely wanna f—k the taste outta your mouth.” And did Abe ever even make a sex tape? Anyway, let’s get Abe off the Fiver and put RuPaul and Chi Chi LaRue on the front of that bill and Caitlyn Jenner and Kim Kardashian on the back side. That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! Legal tender we can all enjoy, bet your bottom dollar!