Thursday, April 28, 2016

Spanish Mattress To Act As Private Eye

               The Spanish bed manufacturer Durmet has created a hi-tech mattress intended to alert the buyer if their partner is being unfaithful in the conjugal bed when they are away from home.

                The company calls their innovative new product the “Smarttress " and says it looks like any other mattress, but contains concealed sensors to detect suspicious movements in the bed. If the pressure matches certain algorithms based on research carried out on sexual motions, the wronged partner will receive a warning on his or her mobile phone.

                "If your partner isn’t faithful, then at least your mattress will be,” is the slogan the company is using to market the unique high-tech mattress.

                Given that surveys indicate Spaniards are among the most unfaithful lovers in the world, company spokesman José Antonio Muiño said the Smarttress had a public service to fulfill. The most recent figures from the extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison show the number of subscribers in Spain at over a million, with Spanish men having an average of 2.4 illicit affairs each year, compared to 1.3 for women.

                "Seeing the latest research on infidelity in Spain and considering that 94 per cent of Spaniards’ preferred place for love-making was in their own home, we thought we could give peace of mind to men and women, not only at night, but also during the day when they have to go out to work,” he said.

                 Ivan Miranda, one of the engineers who developed the so-called 'Lover Detection System,' said that when the ultrasonic sensors inside the mattress detect rhythmic movements, the communication system sends information to a server. “If it detects suspicious activity regarding time of use, frequency, intensity or speed, it sends a notification to the phone terminal with which it is linked," Miranda added.

                Renowned skeptic that I am, I had to pick one up just to see if it actually works. I haven’t had time to test it out yet, but I’m almost certain it won’t perform as advertised.

                Be that as it may, Durmet claims the technology is so advanced that the anxious app user will be able to see- in real time- what parts of the bed are experiencing  the most activity, giving him or her a 'mental picture' of exactly what their partner is 'up' to.

                "You can’t imagine the tests we have done to make sure the system works correctly,” laughed Miranda, explaining that the mattress can distinguish between, say, a pet dog jumping onto the bed and the sensual movements of a furtive lover.

                Innovation spawns imitation, so we can expect major mattress manufacturers from around the world to introduce similar products in the coming years. Will we see the Serta "Perfect Peeper?" Perhaps Select Comfort will launch the "Creep Number" bed series?
                Anyway, the company says- what the?- sorry… I’ve got to go now. I’m at the office and my mobile phone’s alarm just went off. It’s probably nothing. Damn dog!

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