San Francisco school district heads are pushing for new, more inclusive policies towards trans-species and species-nonconforming students in the wake of complaints from several youths and their family members. The former Susan Smith, for example, a senior at Milk and Honey Senior High School, recently informed school authorities that she “didn’t feel fully welcomed at times” because some students thought it funny that she was transitioning to the identity of “Lucky,” a four-year-old male Black Labrador retriever.
Bob Johnson, a junior at Gold Rush Senior High, claims that he has not felt “fully validated” since he came out as “Flash,” a mature, stream-run, Rainbow Trout. “I’ve just always loved to swim,” Johnson said. “I can’t help what- or who- I am, you know?”
Then there is Tom Brown, of Levi Senior High, who recently revealed he was henceforth identifying as “Bucky” the bunny. “I’ve always known that I am a rabbit in a human body. I really like vegetables, I poop a lot and I can run right through chain-link fences. I just want to do all the things that rabbits like to do… if you know what I mean,” Johnson said as his nose twitched and his ears wiggled.
School system authorities are huddling with legal experts this week in an attempt to update official Bay Area school policy manuals and purge them of any type of discrimination whatsoever.
Superintendent Happy Fillmore met with local media yesterday and stated, “I want to assure everyone that our schools will not discriminate on the basis of…anything at all. Not on age, race, creed, religion, appearance, intellect, belief, behavior, performance, sex, gender, or species identity. And I’m probably forgetting a bunch of other things. We will be a totally tolerant, open and inclusive educational enclave! Except for obvious cranks and whackos like Christians, homophobes and those who own firearms, of course.”