Monday, July 27, 2015

U.S. Declaring Independence From Thomas Jefferson


                In response to the latest backlash against “white privilege” and its attendant pro-slavery symbols and history, Jefferson (Bus) Lines is re-branding itself as “George Jefferson Bus Lines,” after the beloved black protagonist in the hit television series that ran from 1975 until 1985. A company spokesperson said, “We just wanted to clarify which Jefferson we were really named after. We couldn’t be more proud of our history or our namesake.” The change will go into effect August 1st. Jefferson Lines was established in 1919.
                In a related story, the iconic rock band Jefferson Starship (aka Jefferson Airplane) released a statement earlier today allowing that they will henceforth be known as “Lincoln Starship.”
                Additionally, the Jefferson City, Missouri, City Council announced yesterday that the town would forevermore be known as “Obama City,” and that it is deeply proud of “this fundamental transformation of our fair burg.”
                Last week, Bloomington Jefferson High School in Bloomington, Minnesota, announced it will now be officially dubbed, “Bloomington LGBTG High School,” in honor of our more deserving sexually and gender-diverse communities.
                Moreover, the Obama administration has announced plans to remove Jefferson from the nickel beginning in 2016. He will be replaced by Louis Farrakhan. In addition, “In God We Trust” will be replaced on the formerly-Jefferson-nickel by the slogan “Screw You Jew Bastards.” The term “Liberty,” also on the previously-Jefferson-adorned coin will be supplanted by “Arbeit Machs Du Frei, Ya?” The depiction of Monticello on the back of the nickel will go away, as well, to be replaced by a hammer and sickle.
                President Obama released a statement just hours ago, “affirming how proud I am of the progress this country has made under my peerless leadership, despite the objections and obfuscations of the religious troglodytes, the reactionary racists, the Fox News Fascists, the country-music-loving, Confederate-flag-waving-whackos, those in fly-over country pathetically and dangerously clinging to their God and their guns, and other assorted name-calling and mean-spirited weirdos that keep us from coming together as one great nation.”

                

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