Planned Parenthood Newsletter
August, 2015 Edition-
Don’t
wait! Turn your old, unwanted fetus
into cold, hard cash…now! That’s right, if you have a few extra (baby) parts
lying around, others are dying to pay
real money for them. Got an extra little lung or two? How’d you like to turn
‘em into $30 or even $40?! Have a heart you’re not using? We bet you do! Bingo!
That’s your ticket to 25 bucks! Are you really
lucky? Have a tiny little liver to
spare? Winner, winner, chicken dinner!!
How do
I do this you ask? Just bring your aborted fetus, and all his or her (or its
genderqueer/questioning, etc.) parts, whether crushed or not, to any of the
nine new Planned Parenthood Spawn-Pawn Shops, and their team of highly-trained
professionals will examine your aborted off-spring’s remains and make an offer!
It’s that
easy!
A
reminder, Planned Parenthood’s Auction Night is this coming Thursday. Check in
with your local branch for details.
And
don’t forget, two new Planned Parenthood ‘You Pick Our Parts’ lots are opening
soon…outside of San Francisco, California and Minneapolis, Minnesota! Come on
down and see our organs! “BOGO’s” every Tuesday from nine ‘til noon!
As
always, Planned Parenthood strives to be a good and sensitive steward of our
precious environment, and asks that you recycle all of your used or unneeded
baby parts. We have recently made this much easier for everyone with the
addition of our co-mingled receptacles at many of our recycling stations! No need
to separate flesh from bone, tendons from muscles, etc. anymore…just chuck
whatever is left of your almost-person into the spacious metal bins and be done
with it and head to the beach! What could be easier?!
Additionally,
Planned Parenthood is proud to announce its acquisition of FM (Forget Motherhood?
LOL!) radio stations in Madison, Wisconsin and Boston, Massachusetts. We have
an eclectic playlist planned for both, including the following classics:
*“Mothers
Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up…”
*“Harvest
Moon”
*”Arms of My Baby”
*”Doctor
My Eyes”
*”Head
First”
*”The
Money Crop”
*”I
Just Died In Your Arms”
*”All
Lips Go Blue”
*And so many
more!
Unfortunately,
some of our loyal members, clients and service-users may not receive this
month’s newsletter, due to the fact that some cold and unfeeling person
mutilated and shredded numerous cases of the newsletters just before they were
to be mailed, so many copies simply don’t
exist anymore. This individual took it upon himself to make the decision of
what’s best for others! Can you imagine?! We’ll never know what affect those
missing letters could have had on people’s lives.
Anyway,
it’s not like they stopped making fetuses! We’ll survive. And thanks to those
of you who have already sent in your condolences!
Clean
speculums!
Until next time!
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