Saturday, July 25, 2015

Planned Parenthood Newsletter (Parody)

Planned Parenthood Newsletter
August, 2015 Edition-    

                Don’t wait! Turn your old, unwanted fetus into cold, hard cash…now! That’s right, if you have a few extra (baby) parts lying around, others are dying to pay real money for them. Got an extra little lung or two? How’d you like to turn ‘em into $30 or even $40?! Have a heart you’re not using? We bet you do! Bingo! That’s your ticket to 25 bucks! Are you really lucky? Have a tiny little liver to spare? Winner, winner, chicken dinner!!
                How do I do this you ask? Just bring your aborted fetus, and all his or her (or its genderqueer/questioning, etc.) parts, whether crushed or not, to any of the nine new Planned Parenthood Spawn-Pawn Shops, and their team of highly-trained professionals will examine your aborted off-spring’s remains and make an offer! It’s that easy!
                A reminder, Planned Parenthood’s Auction Night is this coming Thursday. Check in with your local branch for details.
                And don’t forget, two new Planned Parenthood ‘You Pick Our Parts’ lots are opening soon…outside of San Francisco, California and Minneapolis, Minnesota! Come on down and see our organs! “BOGO’s” every Tuesday from nine ‘til noon!
                As always, Planned Parenthood strives to be a good and sensitive steward of our precious environment, and asks that you recycle all of your used or unneeded baby parts. We have recently made this much easier for everyone with the addition of our co-mingled receptacles at many of our recycling stations! No need to separate flesh from bone, tendons from muscles, etc. anymore…just chuck whatever is left of your almost-person into the spacious metal bins and be done with it and head to the beach! What could be easier?!
                Additionally, Planned Parenthood is proud to announce its acquisition of FM (Forget Motherhood? LOL!) radio stations in Madison, Wisconsin and Boston, Massachusetts. We have an eclectic playlist planned for both, including the following classics:
                *“Mothers Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up…”
                *“Harvest Moon”
                *”Arms of My Baby”
                *”Doctor My Eyes”
                *”Head First”
                *”The Money Crop”
                *”I Just Died In Your Arms”
                *”All Lips Go Blue”
                *And so many more!

                Unfortunately, some of our loyal members, clients and service-users may not receive this month’s newsletter, due to the fact that some cold and unfeeling person mutilated and shredded numerous cases of the newsletters just before they were to be mailed, so many copies simply don’t exist anymore. This individual took it upon himself to make the decision of what’s best for others! Can you imagine?! We’ll never know what affect those missing letters could have had on people’s lives.
                Anyway, it’s not like they stopped making fetuses! We’ll survive. And thanks to those of you who have already sent in your condolences!

                Clean speculums!

    Until next time!



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