My Updated Predictions For The Latter Half Of 2025

 

Back in mid-January I issued “My Predictions For The Rest Of 2025.” We are half a year in, and I thought I should issue an update. Ergo, I hereby present to you “My Updated Predictions For The Last Half Of 2025:”

*June 25—A lone federal district court judge rules that President Trump must re-rename the large body of water between Florida and Mexico “The Gulf of Mexico.”

*June 26—A lone federal district court judge, installed by Barack Obama in 2015, rules that all African-Americans must be given $2 million each in reparations—and a $1,000 IHOP gift card.

*June 27—Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) takes to the Congressional podium to vehemently declare that illegal aliens’ right to vote must be immediately codified and enshrined in law, while white people “and other infidels” should not be allowed to vote, in order to “save our democracy.”

*June 28—Yes, the Chicago White Sox are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

*July 7—Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz and Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney jointly issue a stunning announcement: Minnesota will become Canada’s 11^th province as of August 1st.

*July 24—A lone federal district court judge rules that President Trump must “immediately restore the White House to exactly as it looked at the very moment when President Biden left office on January 20^th, 2025.”

*August 12—With the Canadian wildfires raging as strong as ever, four months in, President Trump, citing national security and health concerns, decides to annex Canada and put out the fires. This also reunites Minnesota with the United States. Sort of. Trump says, “I must protect the rights of American citizens to go outdoors, play golf, and breathe without being forced to inhale toxic smoke that could eventually kill them.”

*August 30—A lone federal district court judge rules that Trump must un-annex Canada and restart the Canadian wildfires.

*September 10—Elon Musk, continuing to try to patch things up with President Trump, says that he misspoke when his tweet implied that Trump visited Epstein Island. Musk says what he meant to tweet was that Trump had once visited Gilligan’s Island. “My bad,” says Musk.

*September 23—A lone federal district court judge rules that, contrary to recent Trump administration directives, the United States military must be at least 50% comprised of members of the LGBTQ Community by Jan. 1, 2027.

*September 30-- Extensive new studies find that COVID-19 vaccines injured or killed far more people than originally thought…prompting the mainstream media to immediately launch a series of programs revisiting the “January 6 Insurrection.”

*October 12—Kamala Harris is found passed out on a San Francisco street, empty wine box to her side.

*October 29—Nancy Pelosi is found passed out on a San Francisco street, empty Hagen Daz containers and vodka bottles to her side.

*November 18—It is revealed that CNN became the first cable news network ever to have a negative ratings share for any week. Lifesitenews brands the network’s Nov. 9- Nov. 15 performance “a miracle.”

*November 20—Congressional Democrats propose a bill that would require the payment of reparations to Blacks and mandate that the U.S. return the southwestern states to Mexico, the middle of the country to France, and the Eastern seaboard to England. An amendment to the bill calls for all English-speaking folks to subsequently return to England, effectively returning the erstwhile United States to the Indigenous Peoples.

*December 10—A lone federal district court judge’s ruling declares that President Trump must only wear boxers, never briefs.

*December 31—Yes, CNN’s Anderson Cooper does accidentally vomit on air after guzzling a glass filled with a mix of Wild Turkey and Clorox Bleach-- and taking several prolonged bong hits to celebrate the New Year.

A sneak peek at 2026:

*January 9—Al Gore says that, unless all human activity on planet Earth immediately ceases, the planet will spontaneously combust by the end of the year.

*January 27—The U.S. observes the 10-year anniversary of Al Gore stating that, unless the Earth took “drastic measures,” it would reach the “point of no return” in 10 years.

*January 29—A lone federal district court judge invalidates the 2024 presidential election, finding that “the American people are incapable of voting in a way that furthers and supports our precious democracy.” He rules that Kamala Harris be immediately installed as president and Tim Walz as vice-president. He adds, “There are no kings in this country. I have spoken!”