My Predictions
For The Rest Of 2025:
*January 20—A
number of Democrats don’t attend the inauguration of Donald Trump, prompting
most Americans to say, “Don’t care. Screw ‘em.”
*January
21—Democrats start new impeachment proceedings against President Trump.
*January
30—U.S. chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark Milley admits that the
drones flying over the East Coast have “been ours all along.” He added, “My
bad, I should’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve been distracted lately trying
to save our democracy from Donald J. Trump.”
*January 31--
U.S. chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark Milley recants his previous
statement, now saying that he has “no idea who or what” is flying the drones
over the U.S.
*February 1--
U.S. chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mark Milley swears that both of his
previous statements concerning drone overflights of America’s East Coast have
been “misinterpreted.” He now claims that, even though the drones have recently
been proven to have Chinese markings on them, they are “likely from a scary
alien planet that is cleverly trying to make it seem like the drones are
Chinese.” He vows to alert his Chinese counterparts if Trump should decide to
take assertive action against them.
*February
2—Several ‘RINOS’ step outside the Capitol Building offices, see their shadows,
and scurry back inside, vowing not to come back out until Donald Trump is gone.
*February 10—California
Governor Gavin Newsome announces that those arsonists whose fires have caused
less than $10,000 in damage will no longer be prosecuted.
*February
14—The Bidens, Schumers, and Pelosis have dinner at a favorite Chinese
restaurant in D.C. For some reason, they are ‘comped.’
*February 16—The
WHO, CDC, NIH, UN, and Dr. Fauci say the ‘Quad-demic’ of flu, norovirus, RSV,
and COVID-25 mandate the total lockdown of everybody in the world.
*February
17—Pfizer announces that its new ‘Quad-demic’ mRNA vaccine is available
worldwide…and is completely safe and 100% effective, adding, “No joke.”
*February
25—Barack Obama’s 17th ‘memoir’ hits bookstore shelves.
*February
25—Hillary Clinton’s 5th book explaining how she wrongfully lost the
2016 election to Trump hits bookstore shelves.
*March
17—Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) tearfully tells a gathering of news
sources that “Not all Irish people are drunks. Some of them aren’t even Leprechauns.
And not all of them are lucky, if you know what I mean.” No one does.
*April
1—Trump takes to Truth Social to say he is determined to invade Greenland,
Panama, and Canada…all at the same time. He adds, “Just kidding! April fools!” Politifact
and Snopes rate Trump’s “Just kidding” claim “false.”
*April 15—It
dawns on most Americans that they really aren’t free-- in the sense that their government
demands they hand over a very significant portion of their income in exchange
for…the state doing things they fervently wish it didn’t. The concept of “taxation
without representation” resurfaces.
*May
1—President Trump announces he has officially renamed the Gulf of Mexico the
Gulf of America.
*May 2—Trump adds
that he has also officially renamed New Mexico “West Texas.”
*May
26—President Trump, celebrating Memorial Day, urges Americans to focus on what
is truly supposed to be observed and acknowledged, not the “frivolous stuff
like barbeques and beer.” Snopes calls his statement “misinformation” and rates
it “mostly false.”
*June
6—Minority leaders introduce legislation that would permanently ban the
observation of the D-Day landings in favor of a perpetual federal holiday to be
annually observed on January 6 acknowledging the “unprecedented existential
horror of the massive Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol-- and democracy itself.”
*June 15—‘Squad’
members unequivocally state that acknowledging dads on this date serves only to
perpetuate the straight, white, patriarchal hierarchy and the overarching
“white supremacy.”
*June 28—The Chicago
White Sox are mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.
*July 4—An
MSNBC talking-head solemnly notes: “Celebrating July fourth, or any
American holiday, is equivalent to condoning colonialism, slavery, genocide,
misogyny, the destruction of our planet, Islamophobia, Transphobia, white
supremacy, and irritable bowel syndrome.”
*August
3—Temperatures soar to temperatures commonly historically seen in early August,
causing Al Gore and others of his ilk to state, “We now only have 6 years to
save the planet by drastically reducing our greenhouse gases.” This in turn
causes Americans, en masse, to realize they have precious little time to rid
themselves of Al Gore and others of his ilk before their presence on the planet
becomes utterly insufferable.
*September 2—
Hillary Clinton says she could have beaten Trump in 2024.
*September 3—Joe
Biden says he could have beaten Trump in 2024.
*September 4—Joe
Biden passes away.
*September 9—Hillary
and Bill Clinton, Kamala Harris, Barack Obama, and Nancy Pelosi—among
others—profess their unwavering and extraordinary love for Joe Biden at his
funeral. Nancy Pelosi glowingly eulogizes, fighting back tears.
*October 11—The
Rolling Stones announce worldwide tour dates for 2026 and 2027.
*November 17—Gavin
Newsome announces that California is now also a ‘sanctuary state’ for disgraced
Democrat politicians.
*December
4—Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announces that he is asking state legislators to
propose legislation making Minnesota a sanctuary state for Pakistani rape
gangs. He promises to sign any such bill, noting that his state has a town
called ‘New London.’
*December 5--
Governors of New York, Illinois, Colorado, Washington, Oregon, and California
immediately suggest similar proposals.
*December
31—CNN’s Anderson Cooper accidentally vomits on air after guzzling a glass filled
with a mix of Wild Turkey and Clorox Bleach and taking several prolonged bong
hits to celebrate the New Year.
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