Friday, October 23, 2020

California Governor Gavin Newsome Issues Holiday Gathering Regulations


Gavin Newsome, California’s Democrat governor, has issued a new set of decrees regulating holiday gatherings this year, mandates apparently designed to accelerate reverse migration. The new regulations ban gatherings of more than three households, meaning that a family with more than two grown children living on their own can only have two visit at the same time. (Who decides which two can come when? No hard feelings!)


Additionally, no indoor gatherings are permitted. This could be a problem for the old, infirm and less hardy folk living in Northern California.

“Nice snowman, grandma!”

“That’s actually your grandpa, Johnny. He froze and got snowed over trying to get the yard ready earlier today. But he’ll thaw out come spring.”


And what of those in apartments and condos who have no yard? Might be a bit tricky to have Thanksgiving dinner on, say, an 8’ by 12’ balcony. Especially in light of all the other regulations Newsome put in place, one of which mandates that at least six feet of distance be kept between members of different households at all times, even when sitting and eating. I’m not sure how Golden Staters are supposed to matriculate the turkey down the table while staying a minimum of six feet apart, though Governor Gavin apparently thought of that, too. His regulations require that “as much as possible, any food or beverages at outdoor gatherings must be in single-serve disposable containers.” (Nothing says Thanksgiving like eating food out of hermetically sealed individual containers.)


Newsome, graciously, will allow his residents’ loved ones to leave the backyard/balcony/deck/parking lot to enter their host’s dwelling and use the bathroom, but only if said bathroom is “frequently sanitized.” (Look for the maintenance chart on the back of the door!)


Attendees must also put their masks back on as soon as they finish eating. Which they should do quickly, as another stipulation is that “Gatherings should be two hours or less.”


“Thanks for coming all the way from Boston, son, but it’s time to vamoose now!”


Gavin’s Rules also state that party hosts must write down the names of all attendees for future contract tracing. And, says the governor, singing is “strongly discouraged.” If a person or small group insists on singing a Christmas carol, for example, they must wear a face mask, sing quietly, and stand apart from others/each other.

 Newsome’s regulations also give “local health jurisdictions” permission to enforce even stricter rules.

Rules, perhaps, such as these:

1) While any holiday gathering attendee is eating, no individual chew should last more than 11 seconds. If a chew is going to last longer than that, the chewer must put the chewer’s mask on for the remainder/duration of the chew. Therefore, the attendee should be careful to only insert small bites into the attendee’s temporarily uncovered mouth.

2) The use of disposable BUT BIODEGRADABLE silverware-- paper rather than plastic-- is strongly recommended.

3) Citizens should strongly consider installing Satellites or other port-a-potties in their yards so no one has to go inside the dwelling to urinate or move their bowels. These Satellites or other port-a-potties must be single occupancy units ONLY, and be properly ventilated. (A minimum of one vent per side, no less than 8 centimeters wide and 20 centimeters long.)

4) Audible praying is strictly forbidden. If, for some reason, a participant feels it necessary to pray, that person or persons should do so silently, while masked and facing away from any and all other participants.

5) Kissing, hugging, handshaking, pats on the back and all other signs of affection are strictly prohibited.

6) Please refrain from wearing “MAGA” apparel of any sort, as it has been known to cause many people to suffer extreme autonomic nervous system reactions leading to yelling, spitting, coughing, sputtering, and loss of control of limbs and extremities. In some cases, these can be fatal.

Best to you and yours! Enjoy the holidays!  


Beka Helm is from Sanger, California. She says her family’s gatherings normally include about 25 people. She can host fewer than half that many this year. “The holidays are all about family,” she noted. She added, “If you try to enforce every single one of these rules, the focus turns from family to keeping the rules.”

Now you’re getting it, Beka. That is precisely the intention.




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