Gavin Newsome, California’s Democrat governor, has issued a new set of decrees regulating
holiday gatherings this year, mandates
apparently designed to accelerate reverse migration. The new regulations ban gatherings
of more than three households, meaning that a
family with more than two grown children living on their own can only have two
visit at the same time. (Who decides which two can come when? No hard
feelings!)
Additionally, no indoor gatherings are permitted. This could be a
problem for the old, infirm and less hardy folk living in Northern California.
“Nice snowman, grandma!”
“That’s actually your grandpa, Johnny. He froze and got snowed
over trying to get the yard ready earlier today. But he’ll thaw out come
spring.”
And what of those in apartments and condos who have no yard? Might
be a bit tricky to have Thanksgiving dinner on, say, an 8’ by 12’ balcony. Especially
in light of all the other regulations Newsome put in place, one of which mandates that at least six feet of distance be kept between
members of different households at all times, even when sitting and eating. I’m
not sure how Golden Staters are supposed to matriculate the turkey down the
table while staying a minimum of six feet apart, though Governor Gavin
apparently thought of that, too. His regulations require that “as much as
possible, any food or beverages at outdoor gatherings must be in single-serve disposable
containers.” (Nothing says Thanksgiving like eating food out of hermetically
sealed individual containers.)
Newsome, graciously, will allow his
residents’ loved ones to leave the backyard/balcony/deck/parking lot to enter
their host’s dwelling and use the bathroom, but only if said bathroom is
“frequently sanitized.” (Look for the maintenance chart on the back of the
door!)
Attendees must also put their masks back on as soon as they finish
eating. Which they should do quickly, as another stipulation is that “Gatherings
should be two hours or less.”
“Thanks for coming all the way from Boston, son, but it’s time to
vamoose now!”
Gavin’s Rules also state that party hosts must write down the
names of all attendees for future contract tracing. And, says the governor,
singing is “strongly discouraged.” If a person or small group insists on
singing a Christmas carol, for example, they must wear a face mask, sing
quietly, and stand apart from others/each other.
Newsome’s regulations also
give “local health jurisdictions” permission to enforce even stricter rules.
Rules, perhaps, such as these:
1) While any holiday gathering attendee
is eating, no individual chew should last more than 11 seconds. If a chew is
going to last longer than that, the chewer must put the chewer’s mask on for
the remainder/duration of the chew. Therefore, the attendee should be careful
to only insert small bites into the attendee’s temporarily uncovered mouth.
2) The use of disposable BUT
BIODEGRADABLE silverware-- paper rather than plastic-- is strongly recommended.
3) Citizens should strongly consider installing
Satellites or other port-a-potties in their yards so no one has to go inside
the dwelling to urinate or move their bowels. These Satellites or other
port-a-potties must be single occupancy units ONLY, and be properly ventilated.
(A minimum of one vent per side, no less than 8 centimeters wide and 20
centimeters long.)
4) Audible praying is strictly forbidden.
If, for some reason, a participant feels it necessary to pray, that person or
persons should do so silently, while masked and facing away from any and all
other participants.
5) Kissing, hugging, handshaking, pats on
the back and all other signs of affection are strictly prohibited.
6) Please refrain from wearing “MAGA”
apparel of any sort, as it has been known to cause many people to suffer
extreme autonomic nervous system reactions leading to yelling, spitting,
coughing, sputtering, and loss of control of limbs and extremities. In some
cases, these can be fatal.
Best to you and yours! Enjoy the holidays!
Beka Helm is from Sanger, California. She says
her family’s gatherings normally include about 25 people. She can host fewer
than half that many this year. “The holidays are all about family,” she noted. She
added, “If you try to enforce every single one of these rules, the focus turns
from family to keeping the rules.”
Now you’re getting it, Beka. That is precisely
the intention.
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