Tuesday, October 27, 2020

Russian Meddling Spreads, Intensifies


              Talk about an “October Surprise!” Where I live, temperatures have been running 25 degrees colder than normal every day for two weeks now. We have broken our all-time record total snowfall for the month of October…and there is still a week left in this despicable month as of this writing. This is obviously not evidence of global warming. So, what is happening? Could it be climate change? I think it’s Russian interference in our weather patterns. Those bastards must have somehow redirected Siberian and polar airflows our way.

              As if this isn’t bad enough, according to reports, the Russians must have smuggled Chinese Asian Murder Hornets into the country, depositing them in, you guessed it, the state of Washington. Devious and diabolical, those Russkis. Either that, or climate change drove them across the ocean.

              We all know that the Trump administration colluded with Russians in the lead up to the 2016 presidential election, but did you know that Trump is probably also colluding with his Russian friends—today—to arbitrarily drive up the price of vodka? He doesn’t care who it hurts, because he doesn’t drink! Typical heartless Republican. I discovered this while visiting a local liquor store just days ago, when I noticed my favorite brand is now priced a dollar higher than it was just last summer. When I asked the checkout clerk about the price increase, she speculated that it might be due to “climate change.” Maybe Russian-caused climate change.

              And that isn’t the end of Russian interference with our way of life. Not even close. My best friend’s daughter is bright, popular, and well-spoken. In short, she should have been a shoo-in for tenth-grade class president at our John F. Kennedy Senior High School. But she lost. To a dorky, dumpy troglodyte who looks like he might be a Trump supporter. I have it on good authority that the Russians executed an intense disinformation campaign in the days leading up to the election and may have even found a way to alter the vote counts. Nyet? Nyet? Da!

              What’s more, when I went out to my car earlier today, I noticed fluid pooling below it on the garage floor. Upon investigation, I discovered that my radiator hose was leaking. There are only two possible reasons for this. Either climate change has reared its ugly head again…or Russians had infiltrated my garage and punctured the hose.

In either case, scary and maddening!

We have to follow the science, people, not the preposterous conspiracy theories of Republicans.



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