Thursday, June 20, 2019

R-Rated Star Trek Installment Coming...For Some Reason

                Reports out of Hollywood indicate that filmmaker Quentin Tarantino pitched a new Star Trek project to Paramount Pictures recently, and that writers are already working on the dialogue. Tarantino, who is finishing up work on his ninth film, Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, once stated “violence is one of the most fun things to watch.” He said his take on the iconic Star Trek saga would be an “R-rated” one replete with prodigious amounts of profanity. Just what we need. I guess the “art” needs to fit the times.
                The original Star Trek was rated “PG,” while later installments have been designated “PG-14.” None have contained much in the way of swearing. Until now. But, hey, it’s time some of the series’ famous quotes were updated. Who isn’t itching to hear the new opening line: “To boldly go where no man has ever effing gone before?” And who among us isn’t looking forward to Dr. McCoy saying, “I’m a doctor, not a f*ckin’ physicist?” Or to Scotty telling Kirk, “I’m givin’ her all she’s bleepin’ got captain?”
                “Holy-shit, beam me up Scotty,” “Any attempt at c*cksucking resistance is futile,” and “Set phasers to mother*cking stun, goddammit!” are all quotes that would be enhanced versions of the milquetoast originals.
   There are a few people who apparently are not pleased by Tarantino’s promise to change the tone, but, what the f*ck, they must be “highly illogical” sons of bitches!
   It’s time we bring back other previously venerated shows in reworked R-rated formats to match the prevailing cultural norms. Imagine the possibilities:

 The Honeymooners Ralph Kramden: “Pow. To the effin’ moon, Alice!”

 Or this vignette from the updated version of I love Lucy: “Lucy, you got some mothereffing ‘splainin’ to do!” “Waaah! Waaah! Why do you have to be so f*cking mean, Ricky?” Much better than the original, no?

 I get a chill when I think of a profanity-enhanced Twilight Zone episode in which Rod Serling steps out from behind a wall and says, “F*cking lost in space and time. You’ve entered the effing Twilight Zone.”

Would we not all thrill to a modern-day, dialogue-enriched Leave it to Beaver? I can already hear June Cleaver saying, “A little rough on the f**king Beaver last night, weren’t you, Ward?” To which Ward would, of course, reply: “Eff off bitch, the Beaver got just what was deserved!”

Or Wally remarking: “Shit, Beav, why’d ya’ have to go and effing shoot Lumpy to death?”
Beaver: “I dunno, Wally. F*ck, sometimes bad shit just seems to happen to me.”

Does it get any better than that? And to think people naively used to believe the very purpose of art was to elevate and inspire. That’s so outrĂ©! We now know the point of it all is to push the effing envelope, to shock, scare, denigrate, demean, debase and repulse. We don’t need no bleepin’ prudes to lord their shit over us! Am I right?
The truly sad thing is, if these remakes actually existed, most people wouldn’t even notice. Of those that did, the majority would likely find the coarsened language cool…or funny.

Aw, f*ck it. Beam me up, Scotty.

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