Monday, June 3, 2019


                If progressives and Democratic-Socialists, aided and abetted by their cheerleaders/lapdogs in the Media-Academia-Entertainment Complex, eventually succeed in their obsessive two-year quest to overturn the results of the 2016 U.S. presidential election, the formerly American formerly democratic-republic will have to come up with a new way to decide national elections. One that is less likely to be hi-jacked, voided or reversed by big-government, statist ideologues from the Swampland bent on preserving their control over the dull, yet unruly rubes populating fly-over country.
                Perhaps the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates could play a winner-take-the-office game of Yahtzee. “Full House! That gives me the White House!” When voters and the Electoral College are cast aside like used diapers what difference would it make? They could throw darts, play Chutes ’N’ Ladders, Monopoly, or mud-wrestle (which is essentially what politicians do today anyway, sans the actual mud) to see who becomes Commander-in-Chief.  
                Other viable options may include a version of Monty Python’s “Blackmail” game, in which extremely embarrassing videos from each candidate’s past are posted on social media platforms. The candidate who goes the longest without demanding they be taken down becomes president of the United States, as that person would have demonstrated the ability to handle the slings and arrows of outrageous media coverage!
   Alternately, a “best lie” contest could be conducted, wherein candidates soberly attest to the veracity of obviously preposterous statements, such as former president Obama’s iconic, “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” gem of 2009. A three-judge panel consisting of Bill and Hillary Clinton and a rotating third member would decide who told the biggest whopper best and most earnestly, and that person would be anointed the new POTUS and take office the following January. Another way of deciding who resides in “the people’s house” would be a swimsuit competition. Each prospective prez would be placed in a Speedo or bikini, as the case may be, and a three-judge panel consisting of Bill and Hillary Clinton and a rotating third member would pick the president based on their bodily aesthetics…and, of course, their answer to the question: “What does tolerance and inclusivity mean to you?”
  Still another avenue for selecting America’s leader would be a “Guess My Gender” contest. (There are at least 63 to choose from now, experts say). This method would have a Millennial of indeterminate sex/gender/origin parade before the candidates for 60 seconds, after which each candidate would have just ten seconds to correctly identify said Millennial’s chosen gender identity. The candidate who comes the closest becomes the leader of the free world.
  Finally, there is Russian Roulette. Democrats have been telling us the Russians determined the outcome of the 2016 presidential election since…the 2016 presidential election. Why not throw them a bone and let Russian Roulette decide who becomes president from here to eternity…or until a Marxist ascends the Bully Pulpit and declares one-party rule in 2025? But first, they’d have to agree to choose their own party’s nominee in the same manner. What could be more fun than watching Mayor Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders, Beto O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren, and Joe Biden pass around a Colt .45 revolver in a new version of Russian Roulette in which the chamber of the six-shooter is loaded with five bullets instead of just one. The last man or woman standing advances to take on the Republican nominee.
  Love him or hate him, if Trump is deposed, “Banana Republic” won’t just refer to an American clothing and accessories retailer. It will refer to America.


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