Thursday, April 18, 2019

The Gay Loonie

            The Canadian government, led by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, recently approved a new pro-homosexual coin to be released in the coming weeks. The one-dollar coin, already dubbed the “gay loonie” by many, commemorates the 50th anniversary of the passing of Bill C-150, legalizing homosexual acts across the Great White North. According to the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC), the coin features a stylized rendering of two half faces forming one whole face within a large circle. The blended face has two ears, with a small hoop earring adorning the left one, and is obviously intended to symbolize a same-sex couple. It is stamped with the years “1969” and “2019” and sports the word “equality” in both English and French, as well as “RA,” the artists initials.
The loonie is normally engraved with the head of the monarch on one side and the image of a common loon on the reverse. While several other commemorative loonies have been made in the 30-plus years of the coin’s existence, none have marked a semi-centennial or a change in the criminal code. With the passage and signing of Bill C-150 on May 14th, 1969, both homosexual acts and abortion became legal throughout Canada. (Think about that for a moment. Talk about odd partners in a crime bill). Canada legalized same-sex marriage in 2005. Look for the Canuck government to authorize another gay loonie in 2055. Maybe even 2025.
A few brave-- if stodgy-- citizens demonstrated against the release of the coin, standing outside the Royal Mint to protest the politicization of their nation’s money and the continued aggressiveness of the LGBTQ community.
Their efforts will be in vain. You can bet many other nations will come out with progressive versions of their money in the near future. In fact, highly placed anonymous sources in Brussels inform me that the European Union will release the “euro-queer” by the end of next year. Analogous sources in Asia tell me that Japan will soon put into circulation a coin to honor sex-dolls, and that South Korea will thereafter follow suit by putting forth the “fun-won,” lionizing casual sex in general. South Africa has plans to circulate the “rand-y” in support of kinky sex. In the same vein, Sri Lanka will soon debut the “whoopee rupee,” a collectable coin series celebrating various Kama-Sutra-like sexual positions.
Russia is rumored to be contemplating a new ruble touting necrophilia. Great Britain is nearly certain to launch a campaign called “pound-to-mound,” recognizing the benefits of female masturbation. Tanzania is in the early stages of producing a “thrilling shilling” in honor of polygamy. Vietnam is simply going to make its dong bigger. Brazil, however, will issue a “real Brazilian” in a matter of months in testament to its women’s favorite pubic hair style.
Expect several other “enlightened” nations to issue coinage in the near future celebrating bestiality, incest, and fetishism.
Finally, Switzerland announced that it, too, will, for the first time, issue a limited-edition commemorative coin.  Its new franc will be in honor of sobriety, discipline and cleanliness. Loonie? That’s crazy!

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