Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Senator Schumer Says Bad Weather Will Continue

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D.-N.Y.) took to the Senate floor recently (after voting “present” on the Green New Deal) to issue some shocking statements about climate change. After averring that man-made climate change was real, Cryin’ Chuck stated: “The terrible kinds of disaster—flooding, tornadoes, and wildfires—that we have had will continue.”
He went on to predict that “hurricanes will still hit the gulf coast on occasion,” and that “thunderstorms will be prevalent this summer across most of the United States.” He noted that he expects the sun to “continue rising in the east and setting in the west” and added that he thinks “death and taxes will continue unabated.”
Such bold predictions unsettled some of his fellow Senators and prompted Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) to ask if Schumer “was clairvoyant…or at least had special powers.” Senator Schumer replied that he has always thought he had ESP and could see himself as a seer after his Senate career is over, adding, “though not with the whole crystal ball thing.”
Taking advantage of the Senator’s apparent gift, several of his comrades asked the latter-day Nostradamus to make some more predictions right then and there on the Senate floor, a request to which Schumer graciously complied. The following is a partial listing of his additional predictions:

*”The Golden State Warriors will make it to the NBA championship this year.”
*The New England Patriots will “be in the mix” for a Super Bowl appearance this coming season.
*”President Trump will continue making intemperate tweets.”
*”Democrats will continue trying to obstruct Trump’s agenda and force him from office.”
*”There will be long-term volatility in the stock market.”
*Despite his recent troubles, “Biden will continue to come up behind women, place his hands on their shoulders, and smell their hair.”
*”Kathy Griffin will continue to be unfunny.’”
*Generalissimo Francisco Franco “will continue to be dead.”
*”Generally speaking, in the future, due to man-caused climate change, it will be harder to see at night than in the daytime.”
*”Technology will continue to play a roll in people’s lives in the future, both for the better and for the worse.”

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