Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Oprah Magazine Says Garlic-Free Vaginas Are Best

                O, that Oprah Magazine! For those of you who don’t subscribe, this month’s issue has an article warning women not to put garlic in their vaginas. The article starts out: “There's a nasty rumor that's been around for years that women in need of a yeast infection cure should look no further than the produce aisle. The myth states that the simple act of inserting a garlic clove into your treasured female bits will help to remedy the entirely unpleasant sensation that anyone in possession of a vagina has at some point experienced.”
                It then introduces readers to “Dr. Jen Gunter, OBGYN, and author of The Vagina Bible,” who informs us that this is “fake vajayjay news.” Stunningly, Dr. Gunter says that spicing up one’s vajayjay is not only ineffective, but potentially harmful. She says that, whereas garlic does contain a compound with anti-fungal properties as tested in a petri dish in a lab, this doesn’t mean it will work wonders in a woman’s hoo-ha. Especially if it’s not properly crushed to release those compounds. At least twice a month, she says, she sees patients who have attempted to “self medicate” by stuffing whole cloves of the ancient spice into their female cavities. (Spicing things up is one thing, but this is ridiculous).
                Dr. Gunter says she’s tired of digging “little pieces of garlic out of vaginas at work.”

    Aren’t we all?  

    And, in a bonus tip, she recommends you also “refrain from putting yogurt—another common do-it-yourself treatment—in your fanny.” I was unaware that this was a thing, but, apparently, it is supposed to stop the itching as if it were a dairy version of “Preparation H.” I’m guessing Greek yogurt might be best, if you know what I mean. But, Dr. J says don’t do it.
   As most readers of this blog know, I periodically give out free advice of my own. It is a value-added feature of this free site. I have been moved to do just that now. Here goes.
   Ladies, these are some other things that should not go into your vaginas: wasabi mayonnaise, jalapenos, tabasco sauce, scrambled eggs (unless you work at Planned Parenthood), prickly plants such as cacti, glassware, and garden tools. And this is just a partial list.
  Here, too, are some things that should not go into anyone’s fanny: prickly plants such as cacti, glassware, garden tools, hockey pucks, rodents, wasabi mayonnaise, jalapenos, tabasco sauce, scrambled eggs, pheasant-under-glass, whole T-Bone steaks, and unwashed poultry products. And, please take this bonus tip from me: in general, anything that you would normally eat should only come out of your fanny, not be crammed into it.
  You’re welcome.

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