Saturday, June 10, 2017

State Mottoes Examined For Offense

                I have just finished a pro-active review of the official state mottoes of all 50 entities comprising the land of the free and the home of the brave. I did this in an effort to spark a movement to scrub the dictums of any offensive verbiage and/or non-inclusiveness. While some mottoes were unlikely to be seen as microagressions, others could be viewed as triggering- or, worse- hate speech. My report is as follows:
                The very first state, alphabetically, is Alabama. Its motto translates from the Latin as, “We dare defend our rights,” which is how we know it wasn’t crafted by a Republican. That said, a minor tweak would make it much more suitable to the times. “We dare defend our transgender rights” it is, then!
                Alaska’s maxim is “North to the future.” We will have to go north before global warming fries us all, if we are to have a future. It can stay as is.
                Arizona’s motto, Ditat Deus, means “God enriches.” Though those in towns closer to the border may not agree, the enlightened among us know that it would better read, “Diversity enriches.”
                California’s “Eureka” translates to: “I have found it!” To which it should now add, “And I will flaunt it! And tax it!”
                Colorado’s catchphrase has been “Nothing without Providence,” whatever that means. There is talk of updating the state’s motto to “Nothing without nachos.” Much more applicable…dude.
                Connecticut sports as its adage, “He who transplanted still sustains.” I suggest modernizing it to: “Ze who’s transgendered is germane.”
                Florida’s motto, “In God we trust,” is obviously offensive and unconstitutional.  Perhaps, “In sod we trust” would be a better fit given the state’s ubiquitous golf courses and retirement communities.
                Maryland’s brazen pronouncement is: “Manly deeds, womanly words.” This is so misogynistic and sexist it should be immediately struck from the records, and the state should be banned from even having a state motto for a decade…or more.
                New Mexico, always creative, chimes in with “It grows as it goes.” Hmm. I am not prepared to comment on it at this time, pending further review.
                North Carolina’s “To be rather than to seem” needs to be reversed with the repealing of its ill-fated bathroom law. In a very real (unreal?) sense, it is now okay “To seem rather than to be.”
                Ohio professes, “With God all things are possible.” Replace with “Allahu Akbar.”
                Virginia’s motto, “Thus always to tyrants,” should be bequeathed to the District of Columbia when it becomes the 51st state, as per Democrat’s fondest wishes.
                Finally, Washington state’s motto is the Native American Al-Ki, meaning “by and by.” A subtle change renders it perfect for this brave new era. “Bi…and bi” is beautiful and inclusive. Know what I mean?


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