Saturday, August 17, 2019

Biden Campaign Fundraiser

Biden Campaign Fundraiser
Portland, Maine
August 29, 2019

(Candidate Biden steps up to a podium, acknowledges the crowd, and begins to speak)

Biden: “I am truly happy to be here in Portland today. Oregon is a great state. Go Ducks! And Beavers! I understand Oregon is home to the only leprechaun colony west of Ireland-- and is the only state with an official nut. If you don’t count New York’s Donald Trump, hee, hee.” (Audience appears confused. Aide approaches Biden and whispers in his ear, telling him that he is in Portland, Maine….not Oregon).

Biden (looking chagrined): “Alright, so I’m a gaffe machine. But, my God, what a wonderful thing compared to a guy that can’t tell the truth, right? I know my staffers want me to limit my public appearances so I don’t embarrass myself in front of potential voters, but how would that look? I mean, who campaigns for Prime Minister by hiding? No one, that’s who. And, speaking of which, I was pleased to meet with Prime Minister Thatcher a few weeks ago. Wonderful lady. I asked her how Brexit was going and if she thought France would really end up leaving the Eurasian Union. Know what she told me? She said, and I quote: ‘Over my dead body.’ And that’s the spirit we need in this country. Despite Trump’s divisive rhetoric, despite the fact that he is fueling a literal carnage across the country, we need to come together as one people, indivisible, under God or Allah or Shiva or Satan……or whatever. As I was telling East Germany’s Chancellor Adolf Merkel at the same meeting, if the U.S. can stay together, and the B.U can stay together, maybe one day the whole darn world can live as one. Who’s to say we can’t make Russian President Viacheslav Putin and Xi Jinping, Lieutenant Secretary of the Communist Party of China -- and Resident of the Citizen’s Republic of China—see the light? As former President Barack Obama used to say to me: ‘Bite me, Biden, if you doubt that someday there’ll be a one-world government…led by folks exactly like ourselves.’ And just like you folks here in Oregon! Go Ducks!”


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