PETA Courageously Fights "Anti-Animal" Phrases, Speciesism

                PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has just achieved a level of asininity heretofore unattained by homo sapiens. The group has launched a campaign to end “anti-animal” sayings such as “to kill two birds with one stone.” The comically serious organization issued a Twitter statement reading: “Just as it became unacceptable to use racist, homophobic, or ableist language, phrases that trivialize cruelty to animals will vanish as more people begin to appreciate animals for who they are.”

                PETA suggests saying “feed two birds with one scone” instead of the patently offensive “kill two birds with one stone” when you wish to describe accomplishing two things with one action. Honestly. It also tweeted out other idiotic idioms to help Americans “remove speciesism” from their lexicons. PETA is badgering us to say “bringing home the bagels” instead of “bringing home the bacon,” and “take the flower by the thorns” in lieu of “take the bull by the horns.”

   You’ve gotta be kidding me. And isn’t “bringing home the bagels” anti-Semitic?

   PETA apparently now stands for People for the Egregious Treatment of Adages. Its website sports a lengthy list of old “harmful” phrases, followed by “helpful” replacement phrases:

   Harmful: “Be the guinea pig.” Helpful: “Be the test tube.” Harmful: “Beat a dead horse.” Helpful: “Feed a fed horse.” Harmful: “More than one way to skin a cat.” Helpful: “More than one way to peel a potato.” Getting the hang of it now? Harmful: “Put all your eggs in one basket.” Helpful: “Put all your berries in one bowl.” I feel better about myself already.

  But PETA’s list was by no means complete. What about “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?” Wouldn’t “A luffa in the hand is worth two in the bush” be better? Here are some other phrases that should be banned and my suggested replacements:

  Harmful: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse!” Helpful: “I’m so hungry I could eat a significant quantity of sustainable plant matter!” Harmful: “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” Helpful: “Don’t count your money before it’s printed.” Harmful: “Drink like a fish.” Helpful: “Drink like a drunk.” Harmful: “Why pay for the cow when you can have the milk for free?” Helpful: “Why pay for a car when you can walk for free?” Harmful: “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.” Helpful: “You can’t make a spliff without breaking a few buds.” Harmful: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world.” Helpful: “It’s a crappy world.”

 One thing is certain: you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a virtue-signaling, politically correct moron with an I.Q. of a tree frog. What a bunch of bullshit.

 Oh well. F*ck a duck.