Saturday, May 11, 2019

I Adulted!

                Do you know someone from Generation Z who actually made his bed today? A Millennial who washed her cereal bowl? If so, the “I Adulted!” calendar is the gift for them. The “I Adulted!” journal is a 16-month almanac containing 100 colorful stickers touting a person’s magnificent daily accomplishments, such as cooking for themselves and emptying the litter box. It is available for just $15.99 on Amazon. (Get a sticker if you “Paid for it Myself!”).
                The “I Adulted!” 2019-2020 calendar is the successor to the “I Adulted Stickers for Grown-Ups” book which came out in 2017, and the “I Adulted!” 2018-2019 calendar. Purchasers say the “I Adulted!” merchandise is “fun,” “encouraging,” and “a great morale booster,” in their reviews of the products.
   One can always hope that most see the calendar as a gag gift, but this is anything but abundantly clear. Other stickers in the current edition proclaim, “I wasn’t Late Today,” “I Recycled,” and “My Parents Don’t Pay My Rent.” Well, isn’t that special.
  These stickers all remind me of the inane “I Voted Today” stickers Americans are automatically given after voting in a November election, the proper rejoinder to which is “I Puked Upon Reading Your Pathetic, Virtue-Signaling, Childlike Advertisement That You Actually Found A Way To Do Your Civic Duty.” But, I digress.
  So, go ahead and proudly post your virtue-signaling messages, young adults: “I brushed my teeth.” “I changed my underwear.” “I didn’t send out a tweet today!” “I learned about Cicero.” (Fat chance). “I knew how much change I was supposed to get back when buying my latte.” “I wrote cursive today! Without cursing!!” “I was able to tell time on an old round-faced clock!” “I didn’t let my pants hang down to my thighs today.” “I only played on the X-Box for two hours today!” “I didn’t smoke a doobie today! Well, not a whole one anyway.” “I picked up my dog’s poop.” “I’m 36, and I don’t live with my parents!” “Like, I read something today!”
               Really want to prove you’re growing up? Put on stickers that say, “No one owes me anything,” “I am not a victim,” or “I don’t know what I don’t know.”  
 The next time I leave a polling place after voting I’m going to wear a sticker of my own making stating, “I Republicaned Today.”

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