Russia Says Britain "Staged" Syrian Chemical Attack

                Major General Igor Yevgenyevich Konashenkov, chief spokesman for the Ministry of Defense of the Russian Federation, recently claimed that the Kremlin has evidence that Britain staged the horrific chemical attack on Syrian citizens. Konashenkov said: “We have…evidence that proves Britain was directly involved in organizing this provocation,” according to the U.K.’s The Sun newspaper and other sources. The Sun says he released statements, purportedly from medics working at Douma’s hospital, alleging that a group of people holding video cameras entered the hospital while shouting that its patients were struck with chemical weapons. The so-called “medics” in the report claimed that none of the patients they were treating were hurt by chemicals.

                In an until now unreported footnote to the story, the Major General went on to accuse Britain of being behind the Night of the Long Knives (“Nacht der langen Messer”) in 1934, the slaughter of a million people in the Killing Fields of Cambodia between 1975 and 1979, the Chernobyl disaster on April 26^th, 1986, and the spread of Lyme disease around the world in recent years.

                Moreover, Konashenkov said the Kremlin now has “incontrovertible evidence” that the “U.S. itself perpetrated the attack on pearl Harbor.” He added that he believes President Lincoln “invented” the assault on Fort Sumter that started the Civil War, and that Sweden was responsible for the sinking of the Titanic in 1912. 

                The spokesman then cut his remarks short, saying that he had to hurry home, as his young son lost a tooth and he needed to put it under his pillow so the Tooth Fairy would come during the night and leave him a few rubles.