Next on Progressive's Agendas: Inter-Species Marriage

                          

February 14^th, 2024

Honolulu-

                Hawaii has become the first state to approve Inter-Species Marriage. The decision to yet again redefine marriage in Hawaii will take effect immediately. This comes after the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled last month that the current law defining “marriage” as between one human male and one human female is archaic and discriminatory and therefore unconstitutional.

                Polls show a majority of public opinion now in favor of the change. The new policy paves the way for Inter-Species couples from around the country to flock to Hawaii. Inter-Species Marriage advocates  are saying that Hawaii will serve as a vivid, positive example to other states that legalizing Inter-Species Marriage (ISM) is workable, humane- and the right thing to do. They say it will not present any challenge to traditional family life.

                “Society is progressing and evolving” said one ISM activist. “Inclusiveness and tolerance are the keys to a healthy community. It is high time that we legally recognize differently-specied couples.”

                Canada may also be moving to unshackle their ISM community. A three- member panel of the Ontario Court of Appeal unanimously declared the current Federal definition of marriage- as a union between one man and one woman- “woefully inadequate for our times.” It ruled that under the Charter of Rights and Freedoms (Canada’s version of the Bill of Rights) “the existing common-law definition of ‘marriage’  violates  couples equality rights on the basis of sexual orientation. In doing so, it offends the dignity of persons/animals in Inter-Species relationships”.

                ISM supporters rallied in Washington earlier today. One stated for the record, “Look, we sprang from the monkey’s womb, evolutionarily-speaking. We owe them, our predecessors this at least.  Are we who climbed the ladder to the top now going to yank it away from those below? Does anyone really want to prevent an intelligent, caring, family-oriented being like a chimpanzee, who we share 99.5%  of our DNA with- more than I do with my in-laws it appears, lol- from enjoying a protected, loving, sanctioned relationship with, say,  an Ivy-League professor or an NPR host?

                What a beastly reality that would be.”

                Some in the Democratic Caucus are proposing legislation that would give special protection & benefits to those involved in homosexual Inter-Species relationships.

                A few conservatives questioned the exigency of the proposed legislation and were met with reasoned shouts such as “you hypocritical, ignorant, intolerant bastards…a pox on all your houses!”