Well prior to the Revolutionary War, many people felt that
America should actually have been named Columbia
after its discoverer, Christopher Columbus. In fact various Colonial poets used
this term for her throughout the war. The word was first used by Phillis
Wheatley, an African-American slave poetess in Massachusetts, in a poem
honoring George Washington! Ironic, no? I wonder if she knew she was insulting
Native Americans as she was honoring Columbus and the Father of Our Country?
There
is currently, of course, a massive politically-correct push to slander Columbus
into shame and obscurity. He was responsible, the p.c. crowd crows, for the
disenfranchisement of the Indians, their subsequent high rate of alcoholism,
the rape of the land, etc.
He was,
somehow, not subsequently responsible
for the massive gaming casinos across the country bringing hundreds of
thousands of dollars into many Indian families, their status in many cases as a
“sovereign” nation, and consequently not having to abide by our game and fish laws, etc. Nor their
physical protection by the U.S. armed forces despite their “Sovereign Nation”
status.
In 1784 King’s College in New York City was
renamed Columbia College (since updated to Columbia University). This must be a
bit of a puzzler to the p.c. crowd. Columbia is bad, as a tribute to Columbus,
but we don’t want to endorse a monarchy either. Perhaps a good name for this
particular institution of higher learning would be the “Non-Monarchical,
Indigenous Peoples University” or NIPU.
There
must be sweeping changes. Our sensitivity level must be ratcheted up to
historic highs. No more can we excuse the indignities of the past. All the
statues, streets, towns, rivers, public buildings, etc., currently named
Columbia or Columbus shall be subject to an immediate name change.
The
Columbia River must be renamed. All the towns and cities in the U.S. currently
called “Columbia” (South Carolina, Missouri, et. al.) must be renamed. The dome
of the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., is topped by a statue of “Columbia”,
the long-time literary representation of the United States of America. This statue should
be removed immediately, painted red, black, yellow and brown, rendered transgender, and given a tat and a
tongue piercing. It could then be placed
in Hollywood, perhaps atop the old “Columbia Pictures” (now known as
“Columbia Tristar”) building.
CBS,
the Columbia Broadcasting System, must be recast as the “Indigenous Peoples
Broadcasting System”, or IPBS.
Columbus,
Ohio should be forced to immediately relinquish its name and henceforth be
referred to as “Indigenous Peoples”, Ohio, or have the Blue Jackets forfeit
every game this season.
And
then there is the matter of the great grey elephant (I don’t mean Republican)
in the room. The U.S. capital city itself will obviously have to be renamed.
Henceforth, lawmaking will be done in Washington, District of Indigenous
Peoples…or Washington, D.I.P.
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