Biden-Trump
Presidential Debate
CNN
Studios
Atlanta,
GA.
June
27
9
PM ET
Jake
Tapper: Good evening everyone and welcome to Debate 2024, the first
presidential debate between the candidates this election cycle. Dana Bash and I
speak for everyone here at CNN when we say how honored and proud we are to host
such an important event. So, let’s get started!
(Jake
briefly goes over the rules of this debate, etc.)
Tapper:
Okay then, first question. This one goes to you, President Biden: During a
second term, Allah willing, will you cure oil cancer first…or will you focus on
uniting the world in perfect harmony?
Biden
(obviously amped up on coke, amphetamines, etc.): As you know, Jake, I had
oil cancer, so I know how bad it can be. But I do want to unite the world
in…um, like you said, perfect harmony. In fact, I’d like to teach the world to
sing, in perfect harmony. I’d like to hold it in my arms and keep it company. Coca-Cola.
You know the ad.
Tapper:
What a beautiful sentiment sir! Just beautiful.
Tapper:
Mr. Trump, one for you now: Why are you such an asshole?
Former
President Donald Trump: What kind of question is that? You are even worse
than the rest of the ‘fake news’ media, Tapper. Why don’t you ask me a
legitimate question…if you can think of one?
Tapper:
Alright. Trump, as a convicted felon, do you still support stiffer sentences
for those, like yourself, who repeatedly break the law?”
Trump:
You’ve gotta be bleepin’ kidding me. Do you know why I’m a ‘convicted
felon,’ Tapper? Because people like you have railroaded me for no legitimate
reason. No reason. Russia, Russia, Russia Hoax. Steele Dossier. ‘Very fine
people on both sides’ hoax. Japanese Koi pond hoax. All debunked. So sad. So
pathetic.
Dana
Bash: Okay, then, Trumpty-Dumpty, answer this question: As a convicted
felon, do you think devout Christians will stick with you? And, if they do,
does that then mean that Christianity is pro-crime…or even a crime in and of itself?”
Trump:
Oh, for God’s sake…
Bash:
No one will invoke the name of an alleged god or ‘sky daddy’ here tonight,
convicted felon Trump! Separation of church and state is one of the pillars of
our democracy, a democracy I might add, that you are threatening!
Trump:
Let me just point out, we are a ‘representative republic,’ not a pure
democracy, so—
Bash:
Cut off his mic! Now!
Tapper:
Back to you, President Biden, your illustriousness. What is your favorite
flavor of ice cream…and a follow-up if I may: why?
Biden:
I like all of ‘em. I like ‘em all. ‘Cuz they taste good. (Leans
down and whispers into his microphone). True story.
Tapper
and Bash, together as one: Awesome! That is very inclusive of you, Mr.
President!
Tapper:
Trump, you eat a lot of fast food and other crap, isn’t that correct?
Trump:
Didn’t you just praise Sleepy Joe for eating ice cream?
Tapper:
Changing the subject because you can’t answer in a way that would help you,
Donny?
Trump:
What the…?
Tapper:
In the interest of extreme fairness and objectivity, I will ask you a
different question, Trumpy-Lumpy: As President Biden has repeatedly noted,
inflation was 9% when he took office. How did you manage to let it get so out
of control…and do you regret any of your fiscal policies?
Trump:
At the end of my term, inflation was 1.4%, not---
Tapper:
We’ve cut off your mic, felon-boy…
Etc., etc., etc.
[FADE]
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