Saturday, March 19, 2022

Egg Farmer Transported To Hospital With Live Chicken In Rectum


A Shelbyville, Indiana, egg farmer was recently transported to a hospital with an “extremely agitated” live adult chicken stuck in his rectal cavity, according to reports. (I don’t know about you, but I hate it when that happens.)

Shelby County paramedics were summoned to answer a medical emergency concerning a serious “accident” involving a farm animal at around 11:30 one night. Upon arriving at the sight, they discovered 57-year-old Christopher Adams inebriated, bloodied, and naked, on a henhouse floor. With a loudly clucking 5-pound chicken more than half buried in his rectum. The paramedics briefly tried to remove the highly agitated bird-- to no avail-- and subsequently decided to transport Mr. Adams and the bird to the MHP Major hospital. Dr. Aurelius Thomas eventually extracted the bird after a 7-hour-long surgical procedure.

The hen suffered only minor physical injuries. Mr. Adams, on the other hand, required seven blood transfusions and over 780 stitches. At the time of the report, he still hadn’t regained consciousness.

Dr. Thomas noted, “I don’t really know how the bird got there, but getting it out was so complicated and damaging that I can’t imagine that getting it in could have been any fun, either.”

Both the Shelby County Sheriff’s Department and the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) have launched investigations into the incident. The ASPCA has taken the hen in custody for the duration of its investigation and, if necessary, will treat it for any evident posttraumatic stress syndrome. No doubt, the poor bird will have issues.

Clearly there was fowl play here. Foul fowl play, at that. (Insert your own joke here.)

There is no way for Mr. Adams to simply explain away what transpired. “Well, the damn thing just jumped in! One moment I was gathering eggs and the next it was…there.” Really? Then why were you naked while gathering eggs? This is a really tough one to rationalize to others. “Well, hon, it was the damnedest thing…”

Mr. Adams, there’s supposed to be a chicken in every pot

Hopefully, Mr. Adams will ultimately be okay. If so, the rotund egg farmer is going to be the butt of many jokes.

One might say his chickens have come home to roost.


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