Saturday, February 16, 2019

NFL 2029

Levi’s Stadium
Santa Clara, California
Wednesday, September 11, 2029

NFL Network Announcer: “Welcome, everyone, to the start of the 2029 NFL season for us here at the NFL Network! We’re glad you could join us tonight. And an exciting match-up we have for you this evening on ‘Wednesday Night Football!’ It’s the San Francisco Kaepernicks versus the Dallas Bare-backers in a key early season match-up. These have been two of the better teams in the league since the 2025 realignment. San Francisco, of course, from the Woke Football Conference, or WFC, and Dallas from the Inclusive Football Conference, or IFC. Let’s go down to the field now for the pre-game affirmation.”

P.A. Announcer: “We invite everyone to stand, remove your pussy caps, cover your support animal’s ears, and face the LGBTQIA+ flag with your hand over your heart-- or some other body part of your choosing. The all-girl Boy Scout Troop #666 will lead us in the singing of “America, the Beautifully Diverse.”

NFL Network Announcer: “Well, that was magnificent! You know, there are 17 transgender players on these two teams combined. I’m told that is the most ever in an NFL game. And we salute every one of them. Dilly, Dilly! We are about ready to start the game, but first, let’s give a shout out to the Golden State Social Justice Warriors, who ply their trade nearby and who just this past spring won their 13th consecutive NBA title! Alright, down to the field now. One captain from each team will come to midfield and be asked a question pertaining to social justice. Whichever team’s captain is judged to have given the best answer will get the option to start the game on offense or defense and which end of the field to defend. I hope the captains are well prepared! Of course, kick-offs were banned several years ago to limit injuries, so the ball will be placed at the offensive team’s 35-yard line. Under the new rules, if that team fails to score in 5 plays or a maximum of 3 minutes, 30 seconds of playing time, the ball goes over to the other team, regardless of where it is on the field. There are no punts anymore, either, of course, in the interest of player safety. Which is also why both quarterback’s legs and torsos are entirely protected by bubble wrap. There is one exception to that, as Tom Brady, at 51-years of age, has received a “grandfather-clause exemption” to the rule. Well, San Francisco has won the opening question and elected to start the game on offense. The Ks are starting with a 5-receiver set. Fitzmichael in the shotgun. One thing to watch for this year is that all backs and receivers have been fitted with hyper-sensitive airbags that will automatically deploy if they sense an imminent collision of more than 4-miles-per-hour combined velocity. Fitzmichael gets the snap, he’s looking……and throws a dart out to Harris in the flat for a quick 12-yard gain. First down! The K’s A.I. robot cheerleaders are whooping it up! San Francisco will huddle now. (Short pause). The Ks break from the huddle…and it looks like…that last pass put Harris over the 10,000-yard mark for his career! But I’m getting word that…yes…yes! More importantly, he has just come out to his teammates as a non-binary pangender!! There will be a much-deserved official’s timeout here as team executives come down to the field and members of both squads gather to recognize Harris’ courageous revelation. According to, Harris is the first player to come out as a non-binary pan-gendered person during a game since week 15 of last season! Well, while Harris is being congratulated, we’ll take a quick commercial break. Back in a minute folks, after this word from Gillette.”


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