Levi’s Stadium
Santa Clara, California
Wednesday, September 11, 2029
NFL Network Announcer: “Welcome, everyone, to the start of
the 2029 NFL season for us here at the NFL Network! We’re glad you could join
us tonight. And an exciting match-up we have for you this evening on ‘Wednesday
Night Football!’ It’s the San Francisco Kaepernicks versus the Dallas
Bare-backers in a key early season match-up. These have been two of the better
teams in the league since the 2025 realignment. San Francisco, of course, from
the Woke Football Conference, or WFC, and Dallas from the Inclusive Football
Conference, or IFC. Let’s go down to the field now for the pre-game
affirmation.”
P.A. Announcer: “We invite everyone to stand, remove your pussy
caps, cover your support animal’s ears, and face the LGBTQIA+ flag with your
hand over your heart-- or some other body part of your choosing. The all-girl
Boy Scout Troop #666 will lead us in the singing of “America, the Beautifully
Diverse.”
NFL Network Announcer: “Well, that was magnificent! You
know, there are 17 transgender players on these two teams combined. I’m told
that is the most ever in an NFL game. And we salute every one of them. Dilly,
Dilly! We are about ready to start the game, but first, let’s give a shout out
to the Golden State Social Justice Warriors, who ply their trade nearby and who
just this past spring won their 13th consecutive NBA title! Alright,
down to the field now. One captain from each team will come to midfield and be
asked a question pertaining to social justice. Whichever team’s captain is
judged to have given the best answer will get the option to start the game on
offense or defense and which end of
the field to defend. I hope the captains are well prepared! Of course,
kick-offs were banned several years ago to limit injuries, so the ball will be
placed at the offensive team’s 35-yard line. Under the new rules, if that team
fails to score in 5 plays or a maximum of 3 minutes, 30 seconds of playing
time, the ball goes over to the other team, regardless of where it is on the
field. There are no punts anymore, either, of course, in the interest of player
safety. Which is also why both quarterback’s legs and torsos are entirely
protected by bubble wrap. There is one exception to that, as Tom Brady, at
51-years of age, has received a “grandfather-clause exemption” to the rule.
Well, San Francisco has won the opening question and elected to start the game
on offense. The Ks are starting with a 5-receiver set. Fitzmichael in the
shotgun. One thing to watch for this year is that all backs and receivers have
been fitted with hyper-sensitive airbags that will automatically deploy if they
sense an imminent collision of more than 4-miles-per-hour combined velocity.
Fitzmichael gets the snap, he’s looking……and throws a dart out to Harris in the
flat for a quick 12-yard gain. First down! The K’s A.I. robot cheerleaders are
whooping it up! San Francisco will huddle now. (Short pause). The Ks break from
the huddle…and it looks like…that last pass put Harris over the 10,000-yard mark
for his career! But I’m getting word that…yes…yes! More importantly, he has
just come out to his teammates as a non-binary pangender!! There will be a
much-deserved official’s timeout here as team executives come down to the field
and members of both squads gather to recognize Harris’ courageous revelation.
According to profootballfocus.com, Harris is the first player to come out as a
non-binary pan-gendered person during
a game since week 15 of last season! Well, while Harris is being congratulated,
we’ll take a quick commercial break. Back in a minute folks, after this word
from Gillette.”
[fade]
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