Saturday, February 2, 2019

2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates

              What an amazing crop of Democratic presidential contenders we the people will have from which to pick in the coming months! The field is by no means full yet, and look at what luminaries have already committed to run-- or are likely to announce their candidacies in the near future:

1)      Alexandria Occasional-Cortex. Okay, okay, I know she just got elected to Congress and is too young to run for president…for now. Supposedly. But, the former bartender’s political fortunes are on such a stratospheric trajectory, I say let’s skip the formalities and put her in the White House now. Democrats are dead set on abandoning every Constitutional principle anyway. Better yet, maybe we could make her Queen-- or even Supreme Galactic Ruler. In any case, here is a woman who recently proclaimed that the Earth is toast in 12 years if we don’t get a handle on global warming. And she still has time to dispense crucial make-up tips on social media! Bonus: she went 0-for-3 when asked to identify the three branches of American government…in which she serves! Oh, and she’s also a proponent of the Green New Deal Plan, a package of policy prescriptions meant to virtually eliminate greenhouse gas emissions within ten or twelve years, literally necessitating the abolishment of the automobile. And the airplane. And six million jobs. And…

2)      Kamala Harris. The first Democrat to laud Bernie Sanders’ Medicare for All scheme, which would cost roughly $32 trillion over a ten-year period, Harris recently espoused the total elimination of private health insurance. She also kept a long-time sexual harasser as a key staff member, and believes infrastructure spending is a “human right.” Oh, and she dated former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown, nearly twice her age at the time, despite the fact that he was legally married to Blanche Vitero.

3)      Beto O’Rourke. Once was arrested on burglary charges. Should have received the Ted Kennedy Prevarication Prize for his claim that he accidentally left the scene of the accident that led to his arrest for DUI. He has also stated that “precisely zero terrorists have ever been connected with the U.S.-Mexico border to do harm to people in the United States.” Oh, and he once appeared with a band on stage wearing a onesie and a sheep mask.

4)      Bernie Sanders. The aging socialist has recently been accused of running a 2016 presidential campaign that was shot-through with sexual harassment and misogyny. When queried about the allegations, he essentially said he was too busy to notice. And now video has surfaced allegedly showing a shirtless Bernie boozing it up with his Russian comrades while singing “This Land Is Your Land” in the Soviet Union in 1988. Talk about collusion! Maybe Bernie has been a Russian “sleeper” agent all along. He is a socialist after all, whereas Trump is clearly not. Sanders should select Jane Fonda as his running-mate for 2020, da?

5)      Elizabeth Warren. The Senator from Massachusetts is as economically illiterate as anyone else in the field. Oh, and she took a DNA test to prove that she is a minority of Native American ancestry. When the test results came back showing that she might be only 1/1,024th of Native American extraction, she giddily said this proved her right. George Armstrong Custer had more Indian blood in him than Warren does.

6)      Michael Bloomberg, former mayor of New York. Once told The New York Times: “I am telling you if there is a God, when I get to Heaven I’m not stopping to be interviewed. I am heading straight in. I have earned my place in Heaven. It’s not even close.” Almost Obama-like arrogance. Not sure It’d be your decision, Mike. As Churchill once said, “There, but for the grace of God, goes God.” He’s nearly as bat-shit crazy as the rest of the field. Oh, and he’s wealthier than President Trump, but enjoys life in The Swamp.

7)      Andrew Cuomo. Another New Yorker, and the current governor of the Empire State. He has recently attempted to position himself far to the left of Hugo Chavez. Which means he would be a centrist in this group. Oh, and he just signed into law a bill allowing abortions to be performed for the length of a pregnancy……and permitting non-doctors to perform them.

8)      Cory Booker. Don’t deny him his Spartacus moment.

9)      Joe Biden. As he himself would no doubt say, electing him would be “A big f**king deal!

10)   Hillary. Some of those around her say she hasn’t entirely ruled out running in 2020. The DNC rigged the primaries for her in 2016. Would they rig them against her in 2020?

11)   Marianne Williamson. Activist and spiritual advisor to Oprah Winfrey, Williamson proposed a ten-year, $100 billion reparations program to African-Americans (Oprah doesn’t need the money, Marianne) and thinks the U.S. should give the Black Hills back to Elizabeth Warren’s people. A frequent critic of big business and the wealthy, Williamson doesn’t need money either, as she is a paid lecturer and has had numerous best-selling books. Williamson, who is unmarried, has a daughter named “India.” She is the author of many deep quotes, such as, “You dig deep enough into your mind, and deep enough into mine, the picture is the same: at the bottom of it all, what we have is love.” Tell that to Putin. Personally, I preferred Mike Myers as Pitka in the movie The Love Guru. (“Intimacy? Into me I see”).

And this isn’t even half of those who will throw their non-MAGA hats into the ring on the Donkey’s side. This Insane Clown Posse is the most preposterous gathering of progressives since Woodstock. You could’ve searched every carnival, maximum security prison, tattoo parlor and public bathhouse and not come up with this many chuckle-heads, nincompoops, ignoramuses, imbeciles, simpletons, scoundrels and ass-hats.

 I say, let the games—and the hilarity—begin!  

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