Valentine's Day=Harassment

            

                The University of New Orleans’ “Prohibiting Discrimination, Harassment, and Retaliation” policy deems sending “suggestive” letters, “notes or invitations” a form of sexual harassment. This led the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE) to warn UNO students that they could be targets of sexual harassment investigations if they weren’t careful about the content of the Valentine’s Day cards and gifts they gave out.

                Such fun! Yet another day ruined by progressive dogma. In days of yore, many teenagers were filled with excitement as St. Valentine’s Day approached. The day was given over to celebrating love and romance…or even just friendship or a little schoolboy/girl crush. I well remember my fifth-grade class decorating shoe boxes and cutting a slit in the top through which to receive “valentines” when I was in grade school. Now even acknowledging someone of the opposite sex is problematic at best, perhaps even dangerous.

   “What we’re you suspended for, Bob?”

   “I gave Lisa a Valentine’s Day card.”

   “Damn.”

   NECCO’s “Sweethearts” candies had been a fun and iconic part of Valentine’s Day for countless folks, young and old alike, for well over 100 years. They were inexpensive and came in boxes of 15-25. Each candy was stamped with short, cute phrases like “Kiss Me,” “Wink, Wink,” “Baby Doll,” “Reach For It,” “My Pet,” “URA 10,” “Play Time,” “Be Mine,” and “Say Yes.” Some sported a picture of a moustache. Sadly, the company closed its doors last year, leaving only a couple of lesser alternatives on the market, “Conversation Hearts” being the most widely available. NECCO eventually was sold to Spangler Candy Company, which will likely start producing Sweethearts again in the near future. This, then, is the perfect time for Spangler to update the phrases on the candies to comply with the times, lest recipients start suing for harassment and claiming psychological distress. (I can hear co-eds screaming “microaggression!” or “candy rape!” while running for a safe space).  

  Ergo, in the interest of comity and generosity, I hereby suggest some new phrases for the (formerly) sweet candies:

·         ”#MeToo”

·         ”RU Trans?”

·         ”No MAGA” (Or MAGA in a “no” circle)

·         ”LGBTQ U2?”

·         ”NoNoNO!”

·         ”Back Off”

·         “F*ck Off”

·         ”CU In Court”

·         ”666”

·         ”Kiss This!”

Alternatively, they could depict symbols like “pussy hats,” trans flags, or even angry emojis. This is 2019. There need be nothing traditional—or sweet-- about Valentine’s Day anymore.