“Welcome real passengers, my name is Melanie, and I will be your head flight-attendant for today’s flight to Chicago. Before I go any further, I have a question to pose: How is a United Airlines employee like Tattoo from ‘The Love Boat?’ They both say ‘De-plane! De-plane! a lot,’ hahaha. Anywho, now that we’ve finally removed all the interlopers, let me go over some flight do’s and don’ts for you folks that remain.
“First off, be on the lookout for scorpions, tarantulas, and other small, poisonous creatures falling- or jumping- down from the overhead luggage rack. If one is on your person, please don’t panic and stomp on it, as this tends to make the carpet hard to clean. Simply trap it using a cup and a plate, carry it to the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. Speaking of the bathroom, all passengers are permitted to use the bathroom graciously provided on this aircraft. However, we ask that you use it no more than twice on this flight, including the disposal of poisonous vermin. Also, be considerate of your fellow travelers and keep the length of each usage to a bare minimum. To this end, anyone in the bathroom for more than three minutes per usage will have their picture taken by our high-tech ‘stall-cam.’ This photo will then be posted on our Facebook page and will also be immediately sent to all other passengers via Snap-Chat and Instagram.
“Next, if anyone happens to spill their drink, expectations are that that person will immediately clean it up, especially if it lands on United Airline’s property. A few other housekeeping notes: occasionally a flight will hit turbulence. If you fly enough, it’s inevitable, right? So put on your effing big-boy pants and deal with it! We don’t want to hear any screaming, sobbing, pleading or praying! Capiche? Huh, I can’t hear you? Okay, good. Speaking of turbulence, farting is strictly prohibited. Anyone with flatulence should have declared that prior to boarding and we would have properly accommodated them by placing them in the animal carriage area in the belly of the plane. And remember, you can’t get up and walk around for any reason during take-off, landing, times of turbulence, or any other time the captain, crew or myself deems it an inconvenience. I’m sure you already know all the crap about sick bags, oxygen masks, and other emergency procedures, so I’m not going to bore you with that.
“Lastly, we hope you enjoy our special in-flight movie, ‘Sully.’
“And, as always, thank you for flying the friendly skies of United!”