“Welcome real
passengers, my name is Melanie, and I will be your head flight-attendant for
today’s flight to Chicago. Before I go any further, I have a question to pose:
How is a United Airlines employee like Tattoo from ‘The Love Boat?’ They both say ‘De-plane! De-plane! a lot,’
hahaha. Anywho, now that we’ve finally removed all the interlopers, let me go
over some flight do’s and don’ts for you folks that remain.
“First
off, be on the lookout for scorpions, tarantulas, and other small, poisonous
creatures falling- or jumping- down from the overhead luggage rack. If one is on your person, please don’t panic
and stomp on it, as this tends to make the carpet hard to clean. Simply trap it
using a cup and a plate, carry it to the bathroom and flush it down the toilet.
Speaking of the bathroom, all passengers are permitted to use the bathroom
graciously provided on this aircraft. However, we ask that you use it no more
than twice on this flight, including
the disposal of poisonous vermin. Also, be considerate of your fellow travelers
and keep the length of each usage to a bare minimum. To this end, anyone in the
bathroom for more than three minutes per usage will have their picture taken by
our high-tech ‘stall-cam.’ This photo will then be posted on our Facebook page
and will also be immediately sent to all other passengers via Snap-Chat and Instagram.
“Next,
if anyone happens to spill their drink, expectations are that that person will
immediately clean it up, especially if it lands on United Airline’s property. A
few other housekeeping notes: occasionally a flight will hit turbulence. If you
fly enough, it’s inevitable, right? So put on your effing big-boy pants and
deal with it! We don’t want to hear any screaming, sobbing, pleading or
praying! Capiche? Huh, I can’t hear you? Okay, good. Speaking of turbulence, farting is strictly prohibited. Anyone
with flatulence should have declared that prior
to boarding and we would have properly accommodated them by placing them in the
animal carriage area in the belly of
the plane. And remember, you can’t get up and walk around for any reason during take-off, landing,
times of turbulence, or any other time the captain, crew or myself deems it an
inconvenience. I’m sure you already know all the crap about sick bags, oxygen
masks, and other emergency procedures, so I’m not going to bore you with that.
“Lastly,
we hope you enjoy our special in-flight movie, ‘Sully.’
“And,
as always, thank you for flying the friendly skies of United!”
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