Giant Bunny Dies On United Airlines Flight

                It is probably an understatement to say that these aren’t the best of times for United Airlines, as the skies have been anything but friendly to the carrier. Still dealing with fallout from altercations between employees and passengers, as well as a scorpion falling onto a passenger’s head on one of its flights, the company received more bad news recently.

                In what sounds like a Monty Python sketch, an expensive, giant rabbit passed away under mysterious circumstances on one of United’s Boeing 767s just days ago. “Simon,” a three-foot-long bunny thought to be destined to become the world’s largest rabbit, expired in the plane’s cargo hold while on its way to a new “celebrity” owner, according to reports.

                Annette Edwards, former Playboy model and the bygone bunny’s breeder, said that Simon was perfectly healthy when placed in the cargo hold. “He was fit as a fiddle. I’ve sent rabbits round the world, nothing like this has happened,” she stated.

                Simon was found dead shortly after the plane touched-down at O’Hare, the self-same airport where a doctor was forcefully dragged off a United Airlines plane a few days previous, incurring various injuries.  Ms. Edwards said that the animal was given a check-up by a veterinarian three hours prior to the flight and was pronounced hale and hardy. She remarked: “Something very strange has happened and I want to know what,” adding, “The client who bought Simon is very famous. He’s upset.”

                Simon was a ten-month-old Continental Giant rabbit, and was on pace to out-grow his father Darius, who, at 4-feet-four-inches long, is currently the world’s largest bunny. These animals eat like, well, rabbits, and cost many thousands of dollars a year to keep.

                The airline faces a legal claim from Simon’s recent purchaser and Ms. Edwards. A company spokesperson said: “We are reviewing the matter.”

                The company seems to be going down the rabbit hole, and needs to pull something out of a hat to turn things around. Seems like they could use a talisman. Maybe a lucky rabbit’s foot.

                On second thought, never mind.