Mascot Mania At Rutgers University

                 In the spring of 2015, the student government at Rutgers University approved a resolution calling for the creation of more “diverse mascots” at the school, arguing that the current Scarlet Knight mascot is too white and too male to represent the student body. The resolution stipulated that the current mascot should be joined by several “additional” Scarlet Knights who are black, Hispanic, female or third-gender. Perhaps the “Ebony Knight,” the “Brown Knight,” the “Knight-ette,” and the “Knight of Indeterminate/All/No/Some Other/Some Others Gender” could take the field with the Scarlet Knight, thereby terrorizing- or at least confusing the hell out of- the opposing squad.

                But why stop there? Rutgers could be at the forefront of mascot and societal evolution, boasting of both a “Good Knight” and a “Bad Knight.” That would be inclusive. Moreover, they could have their existing “Scarlet Knight” and add a “Scarlet Day” so the school appears welcoming to fans of darkness and of light- and to very poor spellers.

                And why not a “Silent Knight” in support of those who are mute?

                But this is surely just the start of the coming mascot diversity. Ohio State Buckeyes? Why not “Doe-eyes?” or “No-eyes?” Oklahoma Sooners? Why not add the “Laters?” In 2016, are we really to be openly prejudiced against those who may procrastinate a little? What’s the rush? Too many rush…to judgment! Let’s be more inclusive of those that don’t care to join the capitalist rat race or oppress the native peoples by stealing their land!

                There are so many opportunities for inclusion and the redress of grievances amongst college athletic mascots! For another example, the State University of New York (SUNY) at Albany’s teams are called the “Great Danes.” Would it not be more inclusive to add a “Not-Particularly-Good Danes” mascot to the mix, or at least a “Great Peoples Not from Denmark” mascot?

                Lock Haven University’s squads are called the “Bald Eagles.” This is intolerably insensitive. They need to add a “Fully-Feathered Eagle” mascot and change the name of their existing one to “Follicly-Challenged Raptors” immediately.

                And the South Carolina Gamecocks? How about the Gamehens or the Gameclitorises? This would help counteract the Patriarchal imbalance inherent in the American system of naming amateur athletic teams.

                There are several colleges with a “Bulldog” for a mascot. Think how much more inclusive- and representative of the student body- it would be if they added a “Bulldyke” mascot in the interest of diversity!