With the end of Pride Month (June, for
those of you who just returned from a different planet), we turn to the next
major month-long celebration seemingly acknowledged by every nation, group,
organization, and person on the face of the earth…and find that there isn’t
one. That must quickly be rectified, though perhaps not in the manner of which
you may be thinking.
I propose that August should henceforth be PROUD! of our
PRIDE! Month, as a significant percentage of the LGBTQ Community seems to be
inordinately, in-your-face proud of both their sexual proclivities and their
pride as regards same. No other group, no matter their beliefs or deeds, seems
to be anywhere near as proud of themselves as gays, lesbians, and transgenders.
(“August: so proud it’s overflowing.”)
Why is it that just those in the LGBTQ community get to
show off their prodigious pride? What about the rest of us? Might not the
entirety of, say, September be set aside to worship those who are proud of
their greed? We could celebrate those in Congress making about $175,000 a year
who have multiple houses and a net worth of tens-- or hundreds-- of millions of
dollars……and an insatiable hunger for power. What about the rest of the year?
Let’s have a look, shall we?
October:
Wrath Month. A whole month of reveling in all things angry and violent!
November:
Lust Month. Take pride in your lasciviousness. Crave another? Violence? A bong
hit? This month is for you!
December:
Envy Month. Ever felt that you’ve been wronged because you don’t own a
Lamborghini Countach and a seaside mansion and beach house? Even though you
don’t have a job and play Grand Theft Auto V all day and night while clad in
your pajamas? Covet your neighbor’s wife, manservant, or sprinkler system? This
is your time! And those of you who didn’t get the Christmas present you wanted--
and so richly deserved-- can play along, too.
January:
Gluttony Month. Do you supersize your fast-food orders on a daily basis? Do you
ask for fries with your salad or daily multi-vitamin? Do you think “Big Gulp”
soft drinks are small beverages? Do you smoke so much “weed” that you’ve
forgotten to get up from the couch for days on end? 31 days in tribute to you!
February:
Sloth Month. Are you too lazy to change the channel? With the remote? Or change
your clothes every week? Did you plan to take a shower last month but didn’t
get around to it? Let’s use the shortest month for lauding everything you don’t
do! For four straight weeks! You deserve it, baby!
That leaves March, April, and May. Some might think that
such things as prudence, justice, temperance, courage, faith, hope, or charity
might be honored, but they’d be mistaken. Those things—and the backward prudes
who believe in them—are, like, sooo yesterday!
March:
It’s Albino Eskimo Month!
April:
Dedicated to celebrating pedophilic mulatto Pacific Islanders!
May:
Is all about touting Capricorn accountants who were born on Thursdays! It is
your month—and your world…we just live in it.
The rest of us fervently hope you are half as proud of
yourselves as we are of you!
Happy Pride! everyone!
{The
particularly astute among you may have noticed that July was omitted from this
list. Some of us would like to have that month reserved for celebrating and
honoring our pride in America. But we know that progressives would find
that controversial, “problematic,” or offensive. So we’ll keep that our little
secret. Until it’s safe to come out of the closet.]
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