Tuesday, July 15, 2025

President Trump Addresses The Nation On The Epstein List-- A Blogger Exclusive (Parody)

 

President Trump Address To The Nation

White House Cross Hall

July 18, 2025

9:00 PM EDT

 

President Trump (arrives at dais and looks into camera):

 

My fellow Americans, after much reflection-- probably more reflection than any president has ever done before—I have decided not to release the so-called ‘Epstein Client List.’ I know Attorney General Pam Bondi and I stated this just a few short days ago, but I want to clarify. Though, as we noted…and so did FBI head Kash Patel and his assistant Dan Bongino… a bit of a hothead but a great guy…there is no Epstein Client List, so we couldn’t release it even if we wanted to. However, I have decided to release the ‘Who’s Not on the Epstein Client List’ list, as it is much shorter, quicker to read, and will consume far fewer trees. And you know I love trees. After extensive research, we have so far been able to positively identify 19 people who were not involved with Epstein in any way, and who we can conclusively state were never on Epstein Island. In fact, I am going to read you that list right now:

 

“The first person not on the Epstein List, which doesn’t exist anyway… is—Mrs. Betty Johnson, a 93-year-old spinster from Enid, Oklahoma.

 

“The second person— Mr. Clayton Schumacher, 99, from Elk River, Minnesota, currently residing at the Shady Acres retirement home and assisted living facility.

 

“Third— Master Zachary Jensen, all of 6-years-old, currently attending River Hills Elementary School in Janesville, Wisconsin.

 

“Fourth— Ms. Bertha Black---”

 

                                                [Etc., FADE]

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