DHS Secretary Kristi Noem Says Detained Cannibal Tried To "Eat Himself"

 

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem appeared at a press conference recently with President Trump and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. The presser occurred at the remote “Alligator Alcatraz” immigration detention facility in the southern part of the Sunshine State, surrounded by gator-infested wetlands

Noem started off by thanking ICE officers and Border Patrol officers for their hard work and noted that “violence against them has increased over 500% since Trump has gone back into the White House—because he’s upholding the law, and because a bunch of liberals, socialists, and Marxists are out there lying about what President Trump is doing.” She called out CNN specifically for lying “every single day about what these operations are.”

Noem stated: “We are going after murderers, rapists, traffickers, and drug dealers—getting them off the streets and out of this country—because Joe Biden let the worst of the worst come in here.” She asserted that some of these criminals are “so deranged” they cannot be allowed to roam our streets.

And then she said this: “The other day, I was talking to some marshals who have been partnering with ICE. They said that they had detained a cannibal and put him on a plane to take him home. While they had him in his seat, he started to eat himself, and they had to get him off and get him medical attention.”

This is obviously a sad and disturbing story…but sometimes you have to laugh to relieve the pain and sorrow and keep from going insane. I think there should be a new term for a cannibal that eats himself. “Cannibal” doesn’t do this person justice. More on that in a minute.

 If one was disposed to literally eat one’s self to death, where would one start? A thigh? A leg? A breast? I mean, there isn’t much meat on a foot or a hand. I suppose a person could tuck into a forearm. Persons so disposed could—literally—disarm themselves, no doubt making Democrats happy. Alternately, they might find that they—literally-- have no leg to stand on. But at least they’d be full. And they could make the phrase “bite the hand that feeds them” a reality. So many possibilities. Though some parts are hard to get at and would require much dexterity. And some parts are utterly inaccessible. And what kind of condiments would one employ to make one’s self taste better?

This is a topic you can really sink your teeth into!

Furthermore, instead of using the cruder but common “go bleep yourself” retort on someone with whom we are angry, we could instead say, “go eat yourself.” This would be even harder to accomplish, especially for the likes of Pritzker, Nadler, and Christie.

Speaking of which, I suggest “egoeaters” as the term for cannibals who actually consume themselves, but am open to suggestions. Please keep any comments clean, folks!

(Where else are you going to get classy, high-end writing like this, dear readers?! And for free!! I humbly aver nowhere.)