Monday, January 1, 2024

My Predictions For 2024


My Predictions For 2024:


January 1—Americans joyously ring in the New Year believing that it can’t possibly be as bad as the previous three years. It can’t be, right? RIGHT?!

January 7—Taylor Swift, upset at another Kansas City Chiefs loss, throws her jersey—and drink—towards sideline in disgust.

January 15—In honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Ibram X. Kendi says, “There’s no debate about it, the content of white people’s character is irrelevant, only their skin color matters. They can’t help it, they are all despicably racist because of their white skin.”

January 17—A.M.-- President Biden issues a proclamation/executive order renaming President’s Day. The newly recognized official holiday will henceforth be called “Obama’s Day.” Biden calls a lid immediately thereafter.

January 18—A.M.-- President Biden issues a proclamation/executive order renaming Washington’s Birthday “Founding Colonizer’s Birthday” and asks folks not to celebrate it. Biden calls a lid immediately thereafter.

January 19—President Biden asks aides when he will be issuing the proclamations renaming Presidents Day and Washington’s Birthday.

January 25—Record breaking cold grips much of the U.S. Democrats claim this is more evidence of global warming and state that we only have “8-10 years to save the planet.” Several sponsor a bill to immediately ban the production and use of all furnaces, electric and gas-operated, since heating dwellings creates a massive carbon footprint.

February 2—President Biden ventures out of the White House, sees his shadow…and, startled, scampers back inside. Pundits say this likely means we are in for many more months of bad policy decisions.

February 7—President Biden forgets he’s giving the State of the Union address, asks everyone assembled what they’re “doing here,” then says, “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to bed” and walks out of the House chamber. Even Democratic Congressmen are temporarily stunned…and then rise to give him a standing ovation.

February 11—Super Bowl halftime show receives unexpected bonus when Travis Kelce takes knee, proposes to Taylor Swift.

February 19—Americans dutifully celebrate “Obama’s Day.”

February 22—Americans generally don’t observe “Founding Colonizer’s Day.”

March 7—Travis Kelce, in Singapore for a Taylor Swift concert, throws a tantrum when a band member makes a mistake.

March 19—First day of spring…and, Democrats say, a reminder that global warming is only going to get worse.

March 24—Jeffrey Toobin celebrates Palm Sunday.

March 29—President Biden suggests that, going forward, “Good Friday” should be known simply as “Friday,” in deference to those less fortunate who may not have had a good Friday.

March 31—Easter Spring Holiday observed.

April 1—Congressional Democrats and Republicans announce the passing of a joint resolution proclaiming that they are solemnly committed to doing only what is best for the nation, regardless of personal—or party-- benefit. (Got ya’!)

April 15—Democrats in congress request that this date, which many Americans refer to as “Tax Day,” be rebranded as “Deadline for Proper Remuneration of Funds To Your Glorious, Beloved, Caring, and Omniscient Government Day.”

April 26—CNN announces new streaming network called “CNN Minus” which will cover news stories without Jim Acosta, Christiane Amanpour, Wolf Blitzer, Alisyn Camerota, Kaitlin Collins, Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper, Chris Wallace, et. al.

April 30—NCAA announces football bowl lineup will be expanded from 42 to 62 games beginning in 2025, meaning 124 of 133 FBS Division 1 teams will “go bowling,” only 9 will not participate.

May 12—Progressive Americans observe “Egg Producer’s Day.”

May 21—Barrack Obama’s fifth memoir arrives in bookstores. Obama refers to himself 6,782 times in the 298-page book.

May 23—Entire Kansas City Chiefs football team spends whole day making new State Farm ad. Critics suggest the team bundle “attitude and effort” instead.

May 27—Progressives observe Memorial Day, in which they remember all those who were the victims of Islamophobia, racism, bigotry, misogyny, classism, and misgendering.

May 30—President Biden asks his wife Jill if she knows where his wife Jill is.

May 31—Gavin Newsome announces he is, in fact, running for president in 2024. Coincidentally, Biden announces that he is no longer running for president in 2024, as he has decided to spend more time with his beloved family.

June 14—Progressives observe Flag Day, during which they honor—and fly—the LGBTQ flag, and the individual flags of all those groups who comprise the LGBTQ Community.

June 16—Progressives observe “Sperm Producer’s Day.”

June 19—Americans observe Juneteenth.

June 20—First day of summer…and, Democrats say, a reminder that global warming is only going to get worse.

July 4—Progressives declare their independence from America, patriotism, Capitalism, Christianity, morality-- and sanity.

August 13—The Rolling Stones announce their tour dates for 2025……2026, and 2027.

September 11—The Squad appears upset that “far right extremists” are marking the 23rd anniversary of when “some people did something” to the World Trade Center.

September 22—First day of autumn…and, Democrats say, a reminder that global warming is only going to get worse.

October 14—Progressives observe Indigenous Peoples’ and Illegal Aliens Undocumented Migrants Day.

October 31—Countless little folks dress up in funny outfits and knock on people’s doors asking for handouts. Some citizens turn off their lights in hopes these Democrat canvassers pass them by.

November 5—Election Day. Fate of the world to be decided. Just kidding. It already has been-- due to (countless?) millions of mail-in ballots, many of which pour into battleground states to be counted only between the hours of 2 and 4 A.M.

November 7—Gavin Newsome declared next president of the United States. Newsome’s Vice-President, Rashida Tlaib, tweets out, “F**k yeah! From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free!”  

November 9—The Biden administration, upset at election results, sends the U.S. military to invade Florida and Texas.

November 11—Progressives celebrate Veterinarian’s Day.

November 28—Progressives observe “Ungrateful Day,” in which they complain about, well, everything.

December 7—Americans observe Pearl Harbor Day, the 80th anniversary of the dastardly Japanese surprise attack on America. Progressives, on the other hand, acknowledge the 80th anniversary of “when a bunch of people did some things” to Pearl Harbor.

December 21—First day of winter…and, Democrats say, a reminder that global warming is only going to get worse.

December 25— Democrats mockingly note that “MAGA types and right-wing extremists are observing the alleged birth of Jesus Christ, thereby furthering their endless, unprovoked, and unwarranted attacks on those with differing—or no-- beliefs.”

December 31—Countless Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve, naively looking ahead to next year in the fervent hope that things will somehow be better……even though most appear unable-- or unwilling—to do what is necessary to make that so. But, 2025 has to be better, right? RIGHT?!





No comments:

Post a Comment