President Biden Address
Washington Monument
Washington, D.C.
July 3, 2023
President Biden: “Tomorrow, June 40th…um,
I mean July the 4th…we celebrate the date that we Americans gained
our interdependence from England. As our founders made clear in the
Constitution, ‘We hold these truths to be self-apparent,
that all people are created equal, and that they are, are, are, endowed by
their…you know, The Thing… with certain unalienable Rights, that among these
are, uh, Life, Liberty-- and the right to be addressed with your preferred
pronouns.’ And to use the ladies’ rooms if you’re a dude. But I guess I’m going
off script, so I’m gonna get in trouble.
“So, anyway, to throw
off tyranny and secure these rights, the founders, who were flawed by-the-way, actually
went to war against the, um, uh, United Kingdom. And, in horrendous battles in
places like Boston Market, Gettysburg, Pearl Harbor, and the Chosin Reservoir,
they bested the Limey dog-faced pony soldiers, like I throttled Corn Pop. You
bet your bippy they did!
“And this led to the
United States becoming the greatest and most powerful nation in the world,
despite all the systemic racism, bigotry, displacement of indigent, indignant,
um, indigenous peoples, and the rise of deplorable baskets of ultra-MAGA
types who cling to their…you know, The Thing…and their assault weapons. And
other malarkey. But I digest, uhh, digress again. This nation is
the best because of our shared love of things like ice cream—and institutions
like Planned Parenthood, the FBI, IRS, DOJ-- and the LGBTQ Community!
“So, this 4th
of January, I mean June-- dammit July—fly your pride, uh, I mean flags proudly,
remember those who sacrificed so that we could be free and identify as anything
we want……and live our best lives within our own truth. End of quote.
“God save the queen,
man!”
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