President Biden Address
July 3, 2023
President Biden: “Tomorrow, June 40th…um, I mean July the 4th…we celebrate the date that we Americans gained our interdependence from England. As our founders made clear in the Constitution, ‘We hold these truths to be self-apparent, that all people are created equal, and that they are, are, are, endowed by their…you know, The Thing… with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are, uh, Life, Liberty-- and the right to be addressed with your preferred pronouns.’ And to use the ladies’ rooms if you’re a dude. But I guess I’m going off script, so I’m gonna get in trouble.
“So, anyway, to throw off tyranny and secure these rights, the founders, who were flawed by-the-way, actually went to war against the, um, uh, United Kingdom. And, in horrendous battles in places like Boston Market, Gettysburg, Pearl Harbor, and the Chosin Reservoir, they bested the Limey dog-faced pony soldiers, like I throttled Corn Pop. You bet your bippy they did!
“And this led to the United States becoming the greatest and most powerful nation in the world, despite all the systemic racism, bigotry, displacement of indigent, indignant, um, indigenous peoples, and the rise of deplorable baskets of ultra-MAGA types who cling to their…you know, The Thing…and their assault weapons. And other malarkey. But I digest, uhh, digress again. This nation is the best because of our shared love of things like ice cream—and institutions like Planned Parenthood, the FBI, IRS, DOJ-- and the LGBTQ Community!
“So, this 4th of January, I mean June-- dammit July—fly your pride, uh, I mean flags proudly, remember those who sacrificed so that we could be free and identify as anything we want……and live our best lives within our own truth. End of quote.
“God save the queen, man!”