The Wall Street Journal recently reported on a new Pandemic-Era
accessory. No, it’s not a facial mask, glove, piece of protective eyewear, work-from-home-kit,
or even an “I’ve Been Vaccinated” button. It is a colored
bracelet that signals one’s current boundaries regarding mingling in the
time of the coronavirus.
Modeled
on traffic lights, a red band means “no contact” with “no exceptions.” A yellow one essentially
means “elbow bumps only.” A person sporting a green wristband is saying: “hugs
welcome.”
Office managers, convention and
wedding planners, and party hosts are among those distributing the color-coded
wristbands, which are designed to signal preferences without awkward
conversations.
Like others of its kind, the Chesterfield Chamber of Commerce in Virginia has
restarted its in-person business networking events. The CCOC is using the
color-coded bands. Danielle Fitz-Hugh, the chamber’s president, noted that the
reds usually just stand off to the side of the room, while “the greens are just
ready to party.”
Since the wristbands can get covered up by long sleeves,
leaving folks staring at others’ wrists trying to figure out their level of
comfort with human interaction, color-coded lanyards and stickers are now also
becoming popular. In any case, the colors mean the same thing across the
various accessories. The following is a more literal—and accurate-- explanation
of their meanings:
Red: “Stay
far away from me you cretinous leper! People make me sick!”
Yellow: “I
chose this band/sticker because I’m yellow-bellied, too timid to commit
to either red or green.”
Green: “Let’s
do it on the table right now!”
Suffice it
to say, greens may paint the town red, while reds may, deep down, be green with
envy.
But what
of other colors? Are more hues needed?
Perhaps
blue could indicate a person who has lost the will to live during the endless
pandemic and governments’ tyrannical response to same. Not that anyone would
care, because we all know that blue lives don’t matter.
Red and
yellow make orange, so orange could indicate someone who is on the border
between no human contact whatsoever and an elbow bump. Maybe you could give
that person an “air elbow bump” from 10 or 12 feet away.
It is no
longer enough to virtue-signal. We must now also overtly indicate our tolerance
for all things human.
Color me sad.
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