Eric Kaufmann, professor of politics at the University of London’s Birkbeck College, recently conducted a survey to determine how willing American liberals were to “jettison the country’s cultural identity.” Kaufmann drew his poll group from the Amazon Mechanical Turk and Prolific Academic survey platforms used by countless academics and educators. He then deliberately removed conservatives and centrists in order to focus on self-described liberals. On May 7, 2020 (prior to the death of George Floyd), he surveyed 870 Americans who were “young, liberal, and white,” presenting them with 16 of what he thought to be “outlandish” statements. He was stunned by their answers. He surveyed them once again on June 15th, five weeks later (after the Floyd killing and subsequent riots) and found the results to be “even crazier.”
Kaufmann stated: “Every one of these proposals represents a radical blow to American cultural nationhood. Yet … six of them carry the support of more than 50 percent of committed liberals … eight are backed by a majority of the 40 percent of liberals who identify as ‘very liberal.’”
One of the proposals was to “remodel the statue of liberty to make it better reflect the diversity of America.” Oh, hell yeah. Let’s strip her of her crown and take those silly robes off and put her in a native American headdress, a halter top and yoga pants. Or make the statue trans, leave it naked, and slap multi-colored male and female genitalia on it for all the world to see. While we’re at it, let’s replace the silly torch held high with a boombox on the shoulder. And the law book reading July 4, 1776, in its other hand with a big, fat doobie. And, of course, there will be a large “BLM” sign on the base of the statue.
Another proposal was to get rid of the four white dudes on Mount Rushmore, “as they presided over the conquest of Native people and repression of women and minorities.” I’m down with that, too. Maybe replace them with Bill and Hillary Clinton, and Barack and Michelle Obama. How cool would that be? Or perhaps we should just put “The Squad” up there. Four women of color, Ayanna Pressley of Massachusetts, Rashida Tlaib of Michigan, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York, and Ilhan Omar of Minnesota. Sure, their average I.Q. might be one-fourth that of those currently ensconced on the rocky escarpment, but they would add much needed color and estrogen to the Black Hills. Don’t fancy “The Squad?” How about we replace the formerly Fab Four with RuPaul (who could be more “fabulous” than that?), Margaret Sanger, Al Sharpton and Caitlyn Jenner? Talk about diversity! No? Beelzebub, Baphomet, Pandora and Nancy Pelosi? Yes!
Kaufmann also asked those surveyed if the country should move “to a new American flag that better reflects our diversity as a people.” Why not just add a black stripe to the existing LGBTQ flag and adopt that banner as our national symbol?
Those polled were also asked if English should be replaced by a new language “forged from the immigrant and Native linguistic diversity of this country’s past.” Why not? Pidgin jive? A blend of tribal languages and Spanish, French, Mexican and English? Creole as spoken by someone on acid? What would be the downside?
Many thought that we should rename our individual states, so that they, too, “better reflect the heritage of Native people and citizens of color.” First off, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico and New York have to be renamed due to appropriation. Pennsylvania was named for William Penn, a white guy and a Quaker, so it has to be rebranded.
Of course, we need a new name for the country itself, as well. I humbly submit “The United And Non-Denominational Intersectionalists of Pangendera,” or U AND I P, which is a simple fact that neither assigns nor assumes gender, sexual orientation, race, class or species.
Respondents were also in favor of replacing “The Star-Spangled Banner” as the national anthem. Again, “to better reflect our diversity as a people.” Might I suggest a few candidates? “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” by Cyndi Lauper, “Anaconda,” by Nicki Minaj, “All About That Bass,” by Meghan Trainor, “Police State,” by Dead Prez (ironic?); “F*ck Da Police,” by NWA; or “Pussy Monster” by Lil Wayne. I think we could all stand up together and shed a prideful tear or two at such moving ballads. South Carolina and South Dakota must also be given new names as no state should have the word “South” attached to it. Texas we should just give back to Mexico. Virginia is the home of far too many Founders, so it should be deprived of statehood and be absorbed by the new state to be created from the current District of Columbia (also to be renamed for obvious reasons). And, of course, Washington will have to be relabeled, perhaps as “Obama” or “North Oregon.”
Another question Kaufmann posed was whether the Constitution should be replaced…with one that better reflects…well, you know the drill by now. I propose that we replace that silly living document (that the Founders came up with after extensively studying every form of government and every type of economy in human history-- and the resultant effects on their societies) with a simpler social code that essentially reads: “If it feels good, do it!”
Kaufmann said that “80 percent of those who have made up their mind would replace the national anthem and constitution.”
Politics is downstream from culture. That stream is now a sewer. And it ends in The Swamp.
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