Friday, September 14, 2018

Thomas The Tank Engine Updated

                Mattel has been collaborating with the United Nations for over 18-months to update the children’s classic, “Thomas the Tank Engine.” Thomas has been around for over 70 years, originally in a British book series and more recently in a television show titled “Thomas & Friends,” but the giant toy manufacturer sought input from the U.N. as merchandise sales and viewership have declined steadily in recent years. The collaboration is the first of its kind and likely ushers in a new era of one-world political correctness. Mattel is hoping that more inclusive characters and “woke” messages will resonate with today’s young kids-- and their parents-- and put some steam back into the formerly iconic franchise.
                The new cable t.v. show will be titled “Thomas & Friends: Big World! Big Adventures!” and will feature themes of progressive global activism. U.N. staffers coaxed Mattel into featuring five of its Sustainable Development Goals as plot lines for this season’s 26 episodes. Education, healthy ecosystems, sustainable communities, responsible consumption and gender equity. Does that sound like fun viewing, or what?!
                The new version of TTTE will feature more female characters and various ethnicities. At one point, Thomas is bested in a race by Hong-Mei, a Chinese engine, prompting Thomas to spout: “Some think girls are weak, but I know that’s not true.” He then adds another layer to the trite-fest by regurgitating: “If boys and girls aren’t given the same opportunities, they might not be given the chance to work as equals, and that’s not fair.” These lines would have been better directed at every society in the world circa 1650…or at many Muslim nations today. Speaking of which, “Nia” is an African car now, and cannot return to her homeland because she’s been displaced and is probably considered an “undocumented worker” by Hollywood and U.N. types.
                Is the modern iteration of Thomas & Friends progressive enough to pass U.N. muster? Of course it is, they helped create it. The Africa Program Advisor for U.N. Women, Tolulope Lewis-Tamoka, said after viewing a clip of the show: “I thought it was excellent—I was really impressed with the representation of gender equality. I think this will make a strong impression on boys and girls. And it has gender-sensitive language, which is what U.N. Women really stands for.” That’s right, there’s nothing more integral to the United Nation’s mission than fostering the use of gender-sensitive language, Tolulope. (Unless it’s U.N. peacekeepers sexually abusing minors or trafficking in child pornography).
                This writer has, unfortunately, not yet seen any of the new Thomas & Friends episodes, and I am certain I’m much the poorer for missing such festive, beguiling, yet instructional and worthwhile entertainment. Therefore, I am only guessing at the scenes of remarkable inclusiveness and toleration I describe henceforth.

                Episode I: Thomas surprises Bert by coupling with him from the rear! An instant classic, sure to make a strong impression on young boys and girls!
                Episode II: Thomas contemplates suicide when he realizes he himself is putting greenhouse gases into the atmosphere.
                Episode III: Gordon tells Thomas he now identifies as a girl. Thomas tells Gordon how proud he is of her, adding that she can couple up with him any time. Gordon playfully smacks him, yet leaves wiggling her caboose at Thomas. Unfortunately, later in the episode, Gordon spontaneously combusts due to human-caused global warming.
                Episode IV: Emily, Henry, Mike, and Edward are “hooking up” while berating President Donald Trump for ruining the planet. “Donald” (recast as an obvious Trump look-alike) comes across them and threatens to derail them all with Hitleresque brutality.
                Episode V: Annie and Nia engage in hot lesbian action. After they are both satisfied they turn to the camera and fervently espouse the virtues of a liberal education and a vegan diet. Unfortunately, later in the episode, they are both destroyed by a man-caused-global-warming-induced hurricane.
                Episode VI: Butch comes out of the closet. Diesel says he is transgender. Belle says she is gender-queer. Toby volunteers for the “Elizabeth Warren 2020” campaign.
                Episode VII: Sailor John rubs Thomas’ undercarriage until he “blows his stack”…while reciting lines from the Communist Manifesto!
                Episode VIII: Percy, Skiff, Clarabel and Daisy discuss the merits of socialism and how capitalism exploits the working class. Guest stars include Maxine Waters and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!!

  This is education! This is responsible—sustainable!-- entertainment for kids and adults!
  Soon Hollywood will turn to the U.N. for most of its creative inspiration. It’s only natural. They have long had the same world-view.

  And a New World Disorder will reign.

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