“Welcome all, and we’re so glad to have you here this evening! It’s going to be a special night, I’m sure. First off, I have wonderful news. We are making inroads into banning hunting in this country. Once that’s done, fishing will be next. And our ‘adopt a pet’ program had its most successful year ever last year…over a half-million pets were adopted around the country, pets who otherwise would have faced the possibility of being ‘put down.’ I ‘ve always hated that euphemism…let’s call it what it is! (applause). Yes, I know…thank you caring people! It’s thanks to you! If you’ll look up at the screen now, you’ll see a picture of adorable little ‘BoBo,’ the Scottish Terrier who was abandoned and had no advocate, no champion…excuse me, I…(breaks down)…can you imagine? But…but then someone came forward…to say, ‘I’ll take and love little BoBo as my own!’ (Wild applause).
“Yes, right, a beautiful story and a happy ending. And Terry and BoBo are here in the audience with us tonight! Stand up, guys!” (Deafening applause and cheering, many in tears).
“Thank you, Terry, thank you, audience. Hello BoBo. It’s going to be a magical night!
“Well, now let’s talk about why we’ve all gathered here this evening. We want to help our Planned Parenthood friends in their fight against the Republican War on Women! (Crazed applause and shouts of, 'Death to the Tea Baggers!').
“Yes, the war against women’s reproductive rights. The brutal attack on a woman’s right to choose! The bold and insane attempt to brainwash folks into believing that there is no inherent right, granted by Mother Nature Herself, to have other people pay for our birth-control!
“Now, we all know that Republicans often try to stick up for the non-viable tissue masses. They go really crazy when we talk about late-term or ‘after-birth’ abortion. Yada, yada. Whatever. Really, I think they have a fetus fetish. But we know that they hate women. We also know that intolerance, mean-spiritedness, insensitivity and illogic are their hallmarks. So please give all you can tonight to this great and good cause…the new Ground Zero Abortion Clinic!
“Thank you… and enjoy the wonderful vegetarian meal and the ‘Vagina Monologues’ performance to follow!
"And remember…’meat is murder’!"