My
fellow effing Americans, the state of our union…is strong. That said, we have
many things we have to accomplish, many wounds to heal, mouths to feed and many
dreams yet to be realized. Sure, we’ve been thru some tough effing times, but
as FDR said, “the only thing we have to fear is effing fear itself!” Yet,
tragically, we are more divided now, in this nation, than we have been since
the Civil War.
And, as
Lincoln said so eloquently, “four score and seven effing years ago, our
forefathers brought forth upon this land, a new nation”…yada, yada, yada…
and , “we are now met on a great effing battlefield
to determine whether any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.”
And it
was president Kennedy who said, “Ask not
what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your effing country!”
Now, I
think we all know that abstinence based sex-ed is a crock. I mean, look at Ted
Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson,
JFK, Gary Hart, maybe even Thomas Jefferson, for example. Do you think it would’ve
worked for them? Of course not! I’m not afraid to stand before you tonight and
say that it’s effing time this country spends more, not less, on sexual effing
education in our schools!
Also,
I’m proposing here tonight an additional
eight hundred and fifty-effing-five billion dollars for literacy programs
around the effing country. No child should be left behind in our quest to stamp
out illiteracy. The proper use of the effing language is vital to the success
of any person.
In
1987, on June the 12th, president Reagan, standing at the
Brandenburg Gate in the Berlin Wall said, “Mr. Gorbachev…tear down this effing wall!” Well, my dream is to tear down the effing wall
between the haves and have-nots in this country! It’s high time we repeal the
tax breaks for the rich. Those effers
making more than $200,000 a year. Did you know the top 50% of income earners
pay only 96.3% of the nation’s income taxes?! It’s time they chipped in and
pulled their own weight! All of history teaches us that we should arbitrarily
tax income made by the successful at a much higher rate than that made by those
who aren’t as successful. We must punish those effers who create
wealth and jobs-and new drugs that save millions of lives….might have saved
yours. Only in this way can we be truly effing successful as a country. Look at
the former Soviet Union, look at Cuba, look to Albania and North Korea…these
are the shining examples of a truly egalitarian society.
Sure
our “poor” are far, far wealthier than all but the handful of communist masters
of these states, but more people in these worker’s paradises are on a level
playing field and therefore make much the same income. We care about our poor people’s feelings. So what if in America a
‘poor’ family can make $29,000 effing dollars per year? The rich can make
millions. In Cuba, et. al., the poor might make $800 to $8,000 a year….but no one outside of the party heads and
government elite make much more than that. ‘One percenters’, lol. Maybe one
tenth of one percent make a real living wage. 99.9% would dream of the income and status and leisure time and toys and
high-tech gadgets that the Occupy Wallstreet, etc. crowd have here. See my
effing point? So much more equal distribution of wealth in these countries as opposed
to ours! No envy, no violence, no need for ‘occupy this or that’.
Yes, we
have very real and grave challenges ahead of us. Dire threats to our country.
Right-wing religious effing zealots are amidst us…as I speak! These people
would have us acknowledge God, let the Ten effing Commandments be discussed- perhaps
even observed- in public areas. They would have us ‘profile’ passengers on
airplanes based only on 100% accurate information and historical record. They
would- strength brothers and sisters- try to limit or even eliminate the one true religion…baby killing. I am so
effing proud to stand here today and say that no one can be an official
delegate of my party or speak at my party’s convention if they don’t believe in
the right of any parent to kill their potential offspring! Thank you, thank
you…that always gets the audience…oldy, but goody…thanks.
As
Teddy Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big effing stick.” And that’s
just what we’re going to do to anyone in the ‘intolerati’ who disagrees with
us. Give them the big effing stick… you know where! Because, as George H.W.
Bush said, “I want a kinder, gentler effing nation.”
Some
jack-booted reactionaries on the right say we should fear the fact that almost
90% of those in the ‘mainstream media’ typically only vote for one party’s
candidates, approaching the same percent as the ‘Supreme Soviet’ of years gone
by, they claim. Some of those same folks say we should fear Islamic terrorists
who have repeatedly vowed to wipe us off of the face of the Earth. Some say we
should fear the corrupting of my party by foreign governments like China’s who
have contributed massive amounts of money to our campaigns for
certain…’policy’…considerations. Some
of them say we should fear the continuing degradation of our effing ‘standards
and morals’ as our culture gets more ‘coarse, vulgar and desensitized’. I say we should give these reactionary
assholes a swift boat-excuse me, boot- in the effing ass! I say
we should only fear these
pointy-helmuted, swastika-wielding effing reactionaries. Here, here!!
As
president Obama proclaimed, “We…are the ones we’ve effing been waiting for. We are the
effing change we seek.”
If this
country is ever to live up to its
democratic principles, we must strive to kill the most defenseless among us,
limit the reach of our least able, punish all manner of success and dignity,
reward sloth, let government dictate to individuals and not vice-versa, and
completely eliminate the stain of effing Judeo-Christian values from our midst!
Thank
you. And may God bless this great effing country.
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