My fellow effing Americans, the state of our union…is strong. That said, we have many things we have to accomplish, many wounds to heal, mouths to feed and many dreams yet to be realized. Sure, we’ve been thru some tough effing times, but as FDR said, “the only thing we have to fear is effing fear itself!” Yet, tragically, we are more divided now, in this nation, than we have been since the Civil War.
And, as Lincoln said so eloquently, “four score and seven effing years ago, our forefathers brought forth upon this land, a new nation”…yada, yada, yada… and , “we are now met on a great effing battlefield to determine whether any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.”
And it was president Kennedy who said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your effing country!”
Now, I think we all know that abstinence based sex-ed is a crock. I mean, look at Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Jesse Jackson, JFK, Gary Hart, maybe even Thomas Jefferson, for example. Do you think it would’ve worked for them? Of course not! I’m not afraid to stand before you tonight and say that it’s effing time this country spends more, not less, on sexual effing education in our schools!
Also, I’m proposing here tonight an additional eight hundred and fifty-effing-five billion dollars for literacy programs around the effing country. No child should be left behind in our quest to stamp out illiteracy. The proper use of the effing language is vital to the success of any person.
In 1987, on June the 12th, president Reagan, standing at the Brandenburg Gate in the Berlin Wall said, “Mr. Gorbachev…tear down this effing wall!” Well, my dream is to tear down the effing wall between the haves and have-nots in this country! It’s high time we repeal the tax breaks for the rich. Those effers making more than $200,000 a year. Did you know the top 50% of income earners pay only 96.3% of the nation’s income taxes?! It’s time they chipped in and pulled their own weight! All of history teaches us that we should arbitrarily tax income made by the successful at a much higher rate than that made by those who aren’t as successful. We must punish those effers who create wealth and jobs-and new drugs that save millions of lives….might have saved yours. Only in this way can we be truly effing successful as a country. Look at the former Soviet Union, look at Cuba, look to Albania and North Korea…these are the shining examples of a truly egalitarian society.
Sure our “poor” are far, far wealthier than all but the handful of communist masters of these states, but more people in these worker’s paradises are on a level playing field and therefore make much the same income. We care about our poor people’s feelings. So what if in America a ‘poor’ family can make $29,000 effing dollars per year? The rich can make millions. In Cuba, et. al., the poor might make $800 to $8,000 a year….but no one outside of the party heads and government elite make much more than that. ‘One percenters’, lol. Maybe one tenth of one percent make a real living wage. 99.9% would dream of the income and status and leisure time and toys and high-tech gadgets that the Occupy Wallstreet, etc. crowd have here. See my effing point? So much more equal distribution of wealth in these countries as opposed to ours! No envy, no violence, no need for ‘occupy this or that’.
Yes, we have very real and grave challenges ahead of us. Dire threats to our country. Right-wing religious effing zealots are amidst us…as I speak! These people would have us acknowledge God, let the Ten effing Commandments be discussed- perhaps even observed- in public areas. They would have us ‘profile’ passengers on airplanes based only on 100% accurate information and historical record. They would- strength brothers and sisters- try to limit or even eliminate the one true religion…baby killing. I am so effing proud to stand here today and say that no one can be an official delegate of my party or speak at my party’s convention if they don’t believe in the right of any parent to kill their potential offspring! Thank you, thank you…that always gets the audience…oldy, but goody…thanks.
As Teddy Roosevelt said, “Speak softly and carry a big effing stick.” And that’s just what we’re going to do to anyone in the ‘intolerati’ who disagrees with us. Give them the big effing stick… you know where! Because, as George H.W. Bush said, “I want a kinder, gentler effing nation.”
Some jack-booted reactionaries on the right say we should fear the fact that almost 90% of those in the ‘mainstream media’ typically only vote for one party’s candidates, approaching the same percent as the ‘Supreme Soviet’ of years gone by, they claim. Some of those same folks say we should fear Islamic terrorists who have repeatedly vowed to wipe us off of the face of the Earth. Some say we should fear the corrupting of my party by foreign governments like China’s who have contributed massive amounts of money to our campaigns for certain…’policy’…considerations. Some of them say we should fear the continuing degradation of our effing ‘standards and morals’ as our culture gets more ‘coarse, vulgar and desensitized’. I say we should give these reactionary assholes a swift boat-excuse me, boot- in the effing ass! I say we should only fear these pointy-helmuted, swastika-wielding effing reactionaries. Here, here!!
As president Obama proclaimed, “We…are the ones we’ve effing been waiting for. We are the effing change we seek.”
If this country is ever to live up to its democratic principles, we must strive to kill the most defenseless among us, limit the reach of our least able, punish all manner of success and dignity, reward sloth, let government dictate to individuals and not vice-versa, and completely eliminate the stain of effing Judeo-Christian values from our midst!
Thank you. And may God bless this great effing country.