White House
Oval Office
March 31
9:00 PM EDT
President Trump: My fellow Americans, citizens of the
greatest country to have ever existed, I come before you tonight to express my
steadfast and unflinching support for mothers, baseball, and apple pie. I must
tell you we owe everything to our mothers and should therefore do everything to
support and praise them. I want to make moms greater than ever before, so good
nobody will believe it. And baseball, ‘America’s Pastime,’ instead of being
held up for mock and ridicule, should be cherished for its history and
importance to America. We have to make baseball great again--- greater than
ever before—that I can tell you. Greater than any sport has ever been, so great
that no one will believe it. No one will believe it. And apple pie, how great
is that? But we have to work diligently to make it even greater than ever
before, so great that it will, frankly, blow your minds. Much, much greater
than ‘mince pie’ or ‘turtle pie.’ Who the hell would ever make a pie out of
turtles? Sick people, that’s who. And ‘mince pie’ is an English thing, I think.
They’re toast. Their day is over. Same for ‘grasshopper pie.’ Disgusting. Pecan
pie? Meh. So, apple pie it is. And baseball. And especially moms, as we
approach this “Mother’s Day.’ Oh, and also, I am strongly in favor of healthy
babies. May God bless you, and God bless America. Thank you.
9:03 PM EDT
Democrat Party response
Rashida Tlaib: First off,
Trump should not have used the terms ‘mothers’ or ‘moms.’ This is offensive and
biologically and scientifically incorrect. He should have said ‘inseminated
persons.’ And just because some inseminated persons have kids, it doesn’t make
them better than those who don’t have any children. Those who have chosen to
abort their non-viable tissue masses are just as much inseminated persons as
those who didn’t. And better for the planet!
AOC: As for baseball, it
was only ‘America’s pastime’ in America’s most colonial, imperialistic phase.
And it is bad for the environment! Do you know how many trees have to be cut
down—murdered—to make baseball bats?! It’s truly heartbreaking! Soccer must be
America’s favorite sport going forward.
Chuck Schumer: Let’s be honest, apple pie sucks! Those
who eat apple pies may think they’ve sown the wind, but they will reap the
whirlwind!
J.B. Pritzker: And babies suck, too, Chuck. Even
healthy ones. Especially healthy ones, ‘cuz they might live. And the planet
just can’t absorb more humans. Those who abort their babies, even after birth,
are the real heroes here. We can’t say that enough.
Democrats, all four in unison: So, in conclusion, may
Gaia bless us all. Hail Satan! Good night.
[FADE]
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