Wednesday, March 19, 2025

President Trump's Address To The Nation, Democrat Response

 

White House

Oval Office

March 31

9:00 PM EDT

 

President Trump: My fellow Americans, citizens of the greatest country to have ever existed, I come before you tonight to express my steadfast and unflinching support for mothers, baseball, and apple pie. I must tell you we owe everything to our mothers and should therefore do everything to support and praise them. I want to make moms greater than ever before, so good nobody will believe it. And baseball, ‘America’s Pastime,’ instead of being held up for mock and ridicule, should be cherished for its history and importance to America. We have to make baseball great again--- greater than ever before—that I can tell you. Greater than any sport has ever been, so great that no one will believe it. No one will believe it. And apple pie, how great is that? But we have to work diligently to make it even greater than ever before, so great that it will, frankly, blow your minds. Much, much greater than ‘mince pie’ or ‘turtle pie.’ Who the hell would ever make a pie out of turtles? Sick people, that’s who. And ‘mince pie’ is an English thing, I think. They’re toast. Their day is over. Same for ‘grasshopper pie.’ Disgusting. Pecan pie? Meh. So, apple pie it is. And baseball. And especially moms, as we approach this “Mother’s Day.’ Oh, and also, I am strongly in favor of healthy babies. May God bless you, and God bless America. Thank you.

 

9:03 PM EDT

Democrat Party response

 

Rashida Tlaib: First off, Trump should not have used the terms ‘mothers’ or ‘moms.’ This is offensive and biologically and scientifically incorrect. He should have said ‘inseminated persons.’ And just because some inseminated persons have kids, it doesn’t make them better than those who don’t have any children. Those who have chosen to abort their non-viable tissue masses are just as much inseminated persons as those who didn’t. And better for the planet!

 

AOC: As for baseball, it was only ‘America’s pastime’ in America’s most colonial, imperialistic phase. And it is bad for the environment! Do you know how many trees have to be cut down—murdered—to make baseball bats?! It’s truly heartbreaking! Soccer must be America’s favorite sport going forward.

 

Chuck Schumer: Let’s be honest, apple pie sucks! Those who eat apple pies may think they’ve sown the wind, but they will reap the whirlwind!

J.B. Pritzker: And babies suck, too, Chuck. Even healthy ones. Especially healthy ones, ‘cuz they might live. And the planet just can’t absorb more humans. Those who abort their babies, even after birth, are the real heroes here. We can’t say that enough.

Democrats, all four in unison: So, in conclusion, may Gaia bless us all. Hail Satan! Good night.

                                                   [FADE]

                                   

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