All The News I Care To Print Today:
*The U.S. Army, fresh off updating its personal pronoun policy, is now hard at work designing a new “tactical bra.” Forget tactical training and advanced weapons systems, it will boldly say to enemies: “Tremble before our next-generation lingerie!”
*A U.S. Army veteran was sentenced to 18 months in prison for stealing millions of dollars worth of military gear from Fort Hood…and listing some of the items on eBay. Fox News reported that Jessica Elaintrell Smith, 30, pleaded guilty to one count of conspiracy to defraud the US government in April. (Maybe she was upset that her army-issued bra didn’t feel right.) I wonder how the eBay listings described the items. Perhaps something like this: “Lightly used M1A1 Abrams main battle tank, great condition, ammo included, $900,000! A literal steal! Act now!”
*Facebook's new artificial intelligence chatbot, “BlenderBot3,” has been released to the public. However, Meta, Facebook’s parent company, has warned users in the U.S. that the new bot could spew insults and lie to them. (Just like the legacy media!) In a “FAQ” about the bot, the company noted: "Users should be aware that despite our best attempts to reduce such issues, the bot may be inappropriate, rude, or make untrue or contradictory statements.” (Just like a Democrat politician!) Meta added that it has worked to minimize the bot’s use of swear words, insulting language and culturally insensitive phrases. That’s nice. So, if you happen to say “hi” to BlenderBot3, it might well respond by saying/writing something like: “F**k off you lying, dog-faced pony soldier. Go back to your knuckle-dragging cracker relatives in Hicksville!” We don’t need Facebook for that. We can just turn on Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, or the “ladies” on The View.
*In the early morning hours of July 21st, five suspects approached a man on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. Two of them allegedly hit the man with what appeared to be frying pans. The victim was briefly hospitalized with non-life-threatening injuries to his head and knee. The suspects, who police are still looking for, escaped with $220 in cash, credit cards, and some documents. They subsequently ran up $1,200 in charges on the victim’s credit cards. There is no word yet as to if Democrats have proposed a ban on the sale, manufacture, and possession of all cooking pots and frying pans.