Wednesday, July 22, 2020

President Trump Discovers Cure For Coronavirus?

August 13, 2020

Announcement: 100% Effective COVID-19 Vaccine Created by President Trump Himself to Be Available Immediately

New York Times reaction: “The president is obviously trying to leverage his office and name recognition in a shameless attempt to make an obscene amount of money off of the new vaccine he has allegedly invented…”

Washington Post reaction: “Anonymous sources say the so-called ‘Trump Vaccine’ may have terrible side-effects, the worst of which could even lead to his re-election…”

MSNBC reaction: “Some say the president is calling his drug the ‘Anti-Wuhan Flu Vaccine,’ a darkly xenophobic way of lording his alleged discovery over China. Insiders claim Trump even wants to make certain Americans get first crack at the vaccine, and to hell with everybody else.”

CNN reaction: “Experts now say the supposed ‘cure’ could be more dangerous than the disease and note that adverse reactions to the drug will be far more common—and pronounced—among the LGBTQ community and peoples of color.”

Blue State governors’ reaction: “Health officials stress that this alleged breakthrough is in no way license for people to quit wearing facial masks and to cease observing social distancing rules. In fact, they say even more stringent measures may well be needed to prevent new and worse diseases from suddenly arising and taking hold amongst our citizens, spawning an even deadlier pandemic.”

Nancy Pelosi’s reaction: “Well, just when you think President…er…uh…Trump can’t get any more sinister and divisive, he does something like this. This is nothing more than an obvious attempt to get people to attend his little rallies and think that it’s okay that the Republican National Convention is held as usual. And he really wants to, you know, seduce people into going to their polling places come November 3rd instead of being safe and responsible and voting by email…er…uh…mail. This is nothing more than a way for him to further divide the country. It’s a shocking display of…uh…selfishness and mean-spiritedness.”

Jimmy Kimmel/Jimmy Fallon/Stephen Colbert, etc., etc. reaction: “I mean…this guy…what a clown, what a puke! Am I right?! Vaccinate this, pal!” (Hearty laughter)

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